Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Never Give Up...Never Surrender!

Well to catch up, just a couple of days ago I had pretty much decided that my marriage was over, I just couldn't raise two children (Dani and my husband) and my blood pressure was sky high and I was cranky to beat the band.  Not a very happy person! I came home Tuesday night from work, just having a huge argument with my husband, on the phone and I told him before I hung up that I was done, handing in the towel, etc.  Got home, wrote out a list of my divorce plans, who gets up, etc, put it in an email ready to send my hubby.  My daughter and her husband from Maryland had stopped at our place on there way to moving to California so I thought I would sit them down and tell them my news.  They were shocked to say the least and it was decided that we would go to my oldest daughters house to tell them.  So I proceeded to tell them my story...but I got my eyes opened up pretty good.  It usually takes someone outside of myself to put my life into perspective.  Not only was I overworked, extremely tired (exhausted is more like it) under appreciated and feeling pretty unloved, I was trying to take on the whole world for Danielle.  The family even suggested I put Danielle in a group home so I can take care of myself instead of always her.  One daughter pointed out that Danielle defines me because I go to work and come home to her, take her to her appointments, IEP's, anything she needs to go to...I'm there to do it for her.  It was also observed that I protect her (mainly from the big bad wolf) and I enable her.  In other words she doesn't need to take responsibility for her actions.  Boy did I wake up that night. 

But I was still pretty tired of being treated like poop from my husband.  I still wasn't going to take it anymore.  So here comes another email with all my feelings, sent it his way.  Well, while he is reading this email and pondering my thoughts, I had another ah-ha moment.  I was creating the problems at home. Well not all of them but a majority of them. Since he is a long-haul driver, I took on the role of mom and dad and not letting him be dad when he gets home.  So he felt displaced instead of me letting him build that relationship with Danielle.  So when he felt that, then his anger would come out and he would treat me and Danielle like poop.

So here is the solutions we came up with.  I am meeting with Dani's counselor next week to help me with some tips on how to "let go".  Then because Dani has these outbursts when she doesn't get her way, and she has said many times "I don't have to follow your rules" we as parents have three warnings we will use with her.

1)  Dani go to your room.  This is not a punishment but I need to cool down.
If she says no...
2)  Dani please go to your room (said more firmly without raising our voices)
If she still resists...
3)  Dani go get in the car or I will call South Ogden PD and they will transport you to the hospital. And be warned, if you try to run or do run away we will dial 911.  It's your choice.

Her counselor today said that she may have to go back into the hospital just to be monitored, medication adjustments, etc.  And this is one way of getting back into the system...let her freak out.  So when Dani got home from a church activity tonight we sat her down and laid down the law.  Meaning mom and dad are not leaving each other, we are team, a partnership and here are our rules.  I explained the above and she said she understood but Mike and I understand and we are prepared for the manipulation, etc to start.  Now tomorrow morning we have our end of school year IEP because she goes into high school next year and I am taking my partner in crime (my husband) and we are going to make some demands and changes for next year. We knew that mainstreaming her back into school would be wrong and it was.  So things will be different next year.  I'll let everyone know how that went tomorrow.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough, I am so thankful that I have a family who could see my situation, point it out and help me through it so I didn't loose a good man!  Thank you God! 

By the way, this is my husband Mike and he is holding our newest granddaughter Kamryn!

1 comment:

GB's Mom said...

I am really happy you are feeling better about things! Good luck at tomorrow's meeting :)