Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Is It Possible?

Is it possible for one child/teen to ruin one's marriage?  Is it possible that the child/teen can manipulate the marriage so much to where things actually fall apart between the couple?  Why?  Is it because I have been the main person in her life since four weeks old?  Does she see my husband as a hinderance, is that what she creates these situations to where we fight all the time?  My marriage is on the verge of being destroyed, we both are standing on the edge of the abyss, just waiting to be pushed off. The sad thing is that when Dani was in the state hospital for those 8 months, Mike and I were extremely happy, no fighting, we were communicating, I was getting healthy, Mike was taking care of himself while on the truck and now, life is shattered.  My family has suggested a group home for her, she has turned into a liar and steals things and really can't be trusted.  She yells at me...I am exhausted.  Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas?  This is one tired mom-cat who needs some help!

4 comments:

Kari said...

The rate for divorce in our families is higher than for typical families. Stress can be a killer, not only for physical and mental health but for relationships.

It helps if both partners become educated on the disabilities our children have and both are on the same page as far as parenting strategies. It is also important to escape the stress together once in a while and find ways to have fun. We do this with our karaoke nights with friends and with things like this upcoming trip together. It is HARD to make it happen but it is important.

Oh, and we also have a little agreement between the two of us. Whoever leaves has to take the kids. So far neither one of us has bailed.

Hugs, friend. ~Kari

GB's Mom said...

My husband and I almost didn't make it. All of Kari's advice is good. It is important to find a couple of friends that understand our lives and can enjoy being with us anyway. Is respite a possibility for Dani? We had it for MK until her 18th birthday and I think it was one of the things that kept our marriage going. I don't know that Dani is trying to split you- MK seemed to be able to do it without trying. {{{Hugs}}}

Rose Adoption Journey said...

Ditto to everything these ladies said. We found ourselves last fall on the brink of separating. We asked our therapist for some help and you know what her advice was...get a sitter(respite) and have some fun! WOW..was she right. We have a date night w/o our kids each week now. We have learned to laugh and have some humor about our situation because it is so sad you need to find something(I am not talking about making fun but...)humorous about it. I have started going to Curves which kills me because I have gotten so out of shape and hubby does his music thing with a band once a week.

We can get so enmeshed in their illness that we lose ourselves and our marriage.

With any kind of long term illness, it is very important to take care of yourself.

As far as her lying....we have the same problem times 2. Natural consequences just flow out of our home. I have had to let it go...

Reading AA's 12 steps is a real life saver for me too. It puts everything in perspective. Having a faith walk too. And finding a few friends who can either support you or understand you is really helpful. Looks like you have a few here already!

She will have her illness all her life. Pace yourself and bring people in to help you....

Anonymous said...

A group home may be a good idea. There are good ones and bad ones but a good group home will help her learn independence and responsibility. Trained staff would know how to put a stop to the lying and stealing, plus she would be with other young women with disabilities so she wouldn't feel isolated.
It's not like she won't still be part of your family and she can come home for visits.
You may want to start the process rolling by looking into group homes with an eye to Dani's future.