Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Taking a Time Out for Mom!

I apologize that I haven't posted anything lately.  I have had to make a very hard decision because my life as I know it is falling apart.  We as parents get so wrapped up in our kids world, their sports, their music...their disabilities that we loose site of who we are as an individual.  Some parents can master this skill with no problem, to be able to juggle everything on one plate and some parents can't.  Some parents don't have the back up support at home to be able to handle all those plates that need to be juggled...I am one of those parents.  I have come to the point to where I am burned-out to the point where I wish I could just run away...not forever but for a few days, just by myself, without the worries of work, of Danielle's doctor appointments, counseling appointments any other appointments she may have.  I am one of those parents who does not have the back-up support.  I have a husband who is on the road more times than not (not his fault, just the nature of the beast), I have a daughter who has helped me so many times but I can't keep asking because she has a family of her own, there are virtually no programs here in Northern Utah that can help take care of a teen with these decision?  I am taking a break in my posting and I have to figure out how to find me again, me...the person who had joy in her life at one time and it was the simple pleasures in life that made me smile.

So, please forgive me while I take this much needed break...I hope you are all here when I come back and I hope and pray that I have your support.

God love you all!  Diane

Friday, September 17, 2010

Husband/Wife Relationships...Need I Say More?

This has got to be one of my favorite pictures when it comes to relationships.  These two starfish says it all, and we each an have our own interpretations.  But how far from the truth can a couple be.  In my past blog posts I have talked a lot of the problems of Danielle, Danielle and her dad, Danielle and I,  but not much on my relationship with my husband...and I say "what relationship"?  I just don't get it...and because I don't get it I feel like an emotional mess.I have to ask for forgiveness before I continue because I am probably going to ramble and talk in circles because I am so mixed up, lonely, tired, have that strong urge to run away and never come back...I am sure you all have felt that one time or another.  I am there right now and I didn't know how much until one of my daughters came out for a visit this week.  Everything was fine until my husband came home from the road and all we do is argue.  I am tired of this life and how it is playing out!  I don't remember signing up for this life, I don't remember getting married to be alone, I don't remember signing up for a life that all I do is work my butt off during the day, go to meetings, doctor appointments, counseling appointments, IEP's, etc.  I don't remember signing up to marry a man who when he's home, he sits in front of the TV and when I get home, doesn't have the strength to do anything with me (even if it's taking a small walk).  I don't remember signing up to be so worn out to where I feel I don't have anything left for myself.  In my conversation with my daughter, she and her husband have worked it out so well that I actually was thinking today that I needed to see my own shrink, my own counselor.  That maybe I am the one that is crazy, not Danielle, but me.  I can't keep my thoughts straight, what is my reality?  It was pretty ironic though, in a small conversation with my oldest daughter, I told her that I was thinking about getting some counseling and she and my other daughter had talked thinking that counseling would be good for me since I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my life, about what is going on in my heart and soul.  It's pretty lonely...that is why I blog, maybe someone who reads my blog feels the same bewilderment, loneliness, etc.

So...where do I go from here?  Who do I contact...a counselor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist.  I don't believe I need medication so maybe just someone to talk to, which would be a counselor.  There are so many times I feel my life is one big abyss and I am hanging onto the ledge, just waiting for someone to throw me a rope...but alas, no rope comes.

I apologize if this sounds depressing, I am not, just confused.  Does anyone else ever experience this and how have you handled it?  Please let me know...someone throw me a rope!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Big Thank you!

I want to say a big thank you to those who read my blog and add their comments.  I learn so much from everyone who replies and I don't feel so alone, it's good to know that there are others out there like me, and there are others like me who don't have a special needs kid/teen.  We all share a commonality...we're all tired, over worked, tired of being alone in whatever challenges that life may throw at us.  That is why I am so grateful for my blog, it's an outlet for my emotions, the crap that goes on day to day, but there are some days that are better than others, but we need to know that we are human and not everything is rosy.  I am not one of those people who wear rose colored glasses.  I use to in the 70's (LOL) but not now.  Life is sooo different.  So thank you for helping me keepin' it real and honest and for not judging me too much!  Love to you all!

A Day of Happiness...short lived!

Believe it or not, this stream was within a campground called "Christmas Meadows".  Really pretty, good ATV trails.

Mirror Lake, Utah (Can we say...Beautiful?)
Our Danielle enjoying the cold, and I mean cold, it was 48 degrees while we were there.  Brrrrrr!
Me and my trucker honey...Mike.  This was a much needed day away. I mainly wanted a day away by ourselves but the more I thought about it Dani has been without dad just as long as I have.  But now, hind-site I wish it was the two of us because today...cranky, cranky, cranky!  It feels like we will never get that time alone because we both suffer from the "No Dad Syndrome".  It was a good day though! 

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Where are Those Teaching Moments?

Has anyone ever wondered how to be a teacher at those moments that are extremely embarrassing?  For instance, common knowledge is if you nose is running, get a tissue and wipe it.  On our side, we wipe it with our fingers and then wipe our fingers on our clothes.  Or when we eat, we eat so fast and without manners and slop food all over ourselves.  Or the common knowledge that we pick up after ourselves if we drop something or pick up after ourselves when we are done using the bathroom.  I guess I am getting frustrated and loosing my patience over this.  Along with my husband never being home, he is gone now 3 weeks at a time because he is a long-haul trucker.  I can only be strong for so long and then I loose it.  I plain out loose it to where even my personality at work changes.  I am normally a very upbeat, positive thinking woman but lately...I'm not.  I have become very negative, angry, frustrated, anyone out there listening to me?  Can anyone relate?  Even my blog posts I try to be positive and report only those things that are good with maybe a tinge of something bad that is going on.  But dang it~I am tired, I am tired of being the strong one all...the...time!  I have retreated into myself, not going anywhere, not getting involved with others.  All I want to do is sleep, read and snack.  I've talked to my doctor and yes I am depressed but who wouldn't be in these circumstances.  But not only that, I have no hormones in my body, a thyroid that doesn't work and a blown pituitary gland.  So yes, I am a mess.

The cure, major hormone creams, thyroid meds, etc. trying to take back my life so I can handle things a little better.  At this point in my life, I would gladly give everything I have, including our camper and ATV to have my husband home.  I didn't get married to be by myself all the rest of my life.  So I really don't know what to do from here.  I am looking for answers, I am praying for guidance and I know I won't be answered in my time but I will be answered in the Lord's time.  So there, I've said a mouthful now I need to find solutions, if anyone has an idea, please share it with me.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I Think I've Got It!

I think I've got it figured out!  I had a long talk with AT&T last night and I didn't know we had a specical plan that allows up to 10 phone numbers that are treated as if it was mobile to mobile.  So...I plugged in Dani's brothers phone number so from now on, after 5pm tonight, she can talk to him as if they were mobile to mobile.  That will save us a big chunk of change.  I tried explaining it to her last night but I don't think she really got it.  All she heard was she could talk to her brother again.  But as always, everything is contingent on how her grades are.  I have a philosophy and saying "The Lord giveth, and mom taketh away".

Have a blessed day you all!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

High School Issues - Homecoming Dance we go!  My first hurdle...homecoming dance.  Within the second day of Dani's school year, she was asked out to homecoming by not just one boy but two.  She had to choose but she also needed to know my rules which are:  1)  No dating until 16 years of age (which she is 15 1/2) 2)  She will go in a group and 3)  I am the chaperon. She didn't like that but you know what?  Oh well, like isn't fair, if it was we'd all be faeries. It took her along time to get use to the idea especially with me going along but she saw the wisdom in it.  It was accepting it or the alternative...not going!