Time to Travel...

Well...it's done! With the help of my older daughter Raelyn, I got Danielle's plane ticket purchased for her trip to Maryland. She is going to spend a wonderful two weeks with her sister and brother in law. I am so jealous!!! But I know she will have a wonderful time. It's funny though, years ago, Danielle was flying to California, all by herself (I think she was about 5-6 yrs old) and now that she is 14 I am having a harder time with her going. I have to ask myself is it because her disabilities are more prominant now? Her judgement not so keen? No...I don't think so, I think a lot of it is me, learning to let go. Knowing that Danielle is going to be just fine without me. I want her to have that autonomy away from mom, I want her to have a life. This is the first step, at least for me, in letting go. Danielle is going to spread her wings and fly and she will be great.

One of the exciting things about her trip is that she and her sister Raelyn and Mitch will be going on a tour of the White House. How cool is that. I have to remember to get her a camera.

"I Will"

I will never have the child I dreamed of adopting
But I do have the child
God planned for me to adopt.
So I will adopt new dreams
For my family and daughter.

I will never be able to be the mom I wanted to be.
But I am “her” mom
So I will be the mom she needs.

I will never have a “normal” day – one without meds,
Doctor appointments, therapy, IEP meetings.
But I do have normal moments.
So I will learn to savor the moments
And take each day as it comes.

I will never be able to assume my daughter can
Follow the simple rules, act appropriately, understand the
Consequences of her actions, or be safe.
But I can surround her with a support system
Who will think for her, remind her of the rules
And consequences, and keep her safe.
So I will be her external brain.


I will never know what my daughter could have been.
But I can celebrate the wonder of who she is and what she will
Become.
So I will give her all the love, support, encouragement
And the tools she will need
To become a productive adult.

I will never be able to change the fact that
The birth mother drank during her pregnancy.
But I can forgive.
So I will not condemn, pass judgment or hate her.

I will never know a bigger joy than watching my daughter master a new goal,
Remember a rule, or sleep thru the night.
But I can lower my expectations of them and myself.
So I will celebrate with my daughter every mountain climbed
And hurdle crossed.

I will never have a day that is not wholly consumed with the results of a
Woman who drank during pregnancy. But I can raise the community’s
Awareness, education and support of this totally preventable birth defect.

So I will…
So I will…

Please Stop the Merry-Go-Round!

Just when I think I have things figured out...I don't. Just when I feel comfortable with how things are going...something comes along to topple my world. With Dani's disabilities, she has a hard time distinguishing what is reality and what is not. She has a hard time also staying in the now. One of her problems she is working on with her counselor is staying in the now. She tends to worry about either the future or the past and not focus on what is happening now. But when I got home from work, she was telling me her sister in Maryland called saying how excited she was for Dani to come out for a visit in a few weeks. I checked the phone and there was no call from her sister. I asked her about it then she said she thought she was talking to a hispanic girl who had a cold. She had somehow gotten the two confused, I don't know how, the brain is such a tricky organ that I can just imagine how things get jumbled up. But even though the evidence was right there that Raelyn did not call, she stuck to her story true and true. Then she got frustrated, irritated, aggitated and just plain mad at me. This is about the time she should be practicing her coping skills, which I am proud to say...she did! That was the right step in the right direction. Now I understand where the saying of "Choose your battles wisely" comes into play.

Catch-Up Time!

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since I updated this blog. Life sure has gotten away with me. So, let me catch you all up.

Danielle came home from the state hospital last October 08' and what a transformation she went through. I look at it as if she were in this cocoon and she came out this beautiful butterfly. She knew who she was, where she was coming from and where she is going. Once home, she started at a transitional school (Canyon View), to where she was full time, only small amount of kids her age, then she was transitioned into junior high by one class at a time. We are up to two classes in the afternoon, but that still has a way of stressing her out. We have discovered, by track record, that around February-March she starts getting worn out. Her Bipolar attributes come screaming out of her. By this time she had almost forgotten how to use her coping skills. I was feeling a little frantic on trying to help her remember but the more I tried, the more angry she got at me. We started back to counseling sessions and of course monthly visits with her psychiatrist. Her medications are good, she was on 4-5, now she is only on ONE! She doesn't hear the voices anymore, her self-esteem is up (fluctuates once in awhile, you know how girls are). She has tapped into her talents and skills. Danielle is a very creative young lady, not only does she draw and paint but I discovered she writes songs and poems.

Now she is at the age that I start worrying about her future. She is going to be 15 this year and I wonder what kind of quality of life she can have. I had a candid talk with her doctor today, she assured me that there are many programs, that once she hits 16-17, she can get involved with that will teach her survivial skills. She takes care of herself pretty well now and she does know how to cook, but it's the common sense things that worry me like how to catch a bus, how to get to your destination without getting lost, etc. As a mother, I want her to have a full life so she feels she doesn't always have to be with me.

There have been rough times since she has been home. Battle of wits between mom and daughter, chores, responsibilities, anger management, etc. There are times I have felt that she would have been better staying down at the hospital a little longer. You have no idea how often I have felt guilty over feeling that. But in a conversation with a friend of mine, who works with "Allies with Families", she said it is SO normal for a parent to feel that way and at times feel resentful. It's just that by the time I get home from working my full time job, I don't have the strength and energy to deal with the problems. I have my own health issues and I have a hard time taking care of myself. I have dedicated most of my time to Danielle and researching new things. But then I see the other side of her, she may be 14 but her disabilities have her marked at about a 12 year old, I see a little bit of Heaven in her. There is an innocence in her, that at times I don't see it because of my own problems.

But each day is progress, we can only go forward. We may fall back one step but she and I have a way of forgiving each other and going on. I know I have so much more to say, but its after midnight and I need some sleep. Love to you all!

It's Almost Time!

I am so sorry it has been awhile since I posted anything for my dear daughter. But progress sure has been our middle name lately. Last weekend she came home for the first time. When a child starts weekend home visits, it's close to them coming home for good. What they discovered about Danielle is that all the medications she was on, and there were five of them, were creating a lot of the Schizoprehnic episodes. I am not saying she doesn't still hear the voices or sees things because one in a blue moon she does, but it is getting better. She is only on one medication. Yeah! And she looks great, acts like a normal, regular teen. I couldn't be more happier for her. She gets to come home again this weekend but for a longer stay. I will pick her up after 5pm on Friday and have her back by 5pm on Sunday.

Tests are In!

So far it has been a little over two months since Danielle went down to the State Hospital. A lot of testing has been done, school, mentally, neruologically. I guess they are narrowing down her diagnosis. They do know for sure that she is FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrom) they took away the diagnosis of separation anxiety, her meds have been cut down from 5 different ones to basically two now. She is responding pretty good, her moods are great but she is still hearing the voices and hallucinating. I received her update report in the mail yesterday and it said that we should be seeing her come home probably around Christmas. That will be a wonderful gift! She has't acted out in violence like she has in the past, in fact she has been calm and in control. Danielle has had issues about keeping her room clean and the outside living area. She has to be reminded to do her hygeine, etc. This past week she has been sick. Strep Throat and a bad cold. In talking with her last night she hardly had a voice, poor thing. She seems to be handling it for the most part, there are times she calls crying that she doesn't like her therapist, it's hard to talk to him and wants a woman, this is where I have to be strong and tell her she has to handle her situation. I definately see her ups and downs in our conversations, one day she is so bubbly and cheerful, the next conversation she is in tears or really depressed. The only test we are waiting for now is her neruological testing. Hopefully by the next meeting I will know something more. They told me it would be a long process...they were right!

Mother's Day

I want to start by saying I had a fantastic Mother's Day. All my daughters really spoiled me. One of the highlights though was going down to Provo to visit Danielle. Brenna, Jason, KD and Kyla and myself got into my little PT Cruise and drove down for a visit. What a good time we had, we got caught up on all her events, school projects, testing, priviledges, etc. then we took time and played some good old fashioned games like "Red Rover", Red Light, Green Light", there was a mini trampoline that the kids jumped on. It was a lot of fun to watch Danielle play with KD, they are such good buddies and just adore each other, to see them play brings tears to my eyes. Danielle is doing good, she has her good days and then her bad days. That Sunday was a good day, she had her sparkle back in her eyes. But in talking with her last night she was extremly tearful and feeling down. I was told this is normal. We are hoping that she will be able to come home by September. We were originally told maybe by Christmas but she is doing so good that it may be earlier. I have attached a couple of pictures of Mother's Day. Enjoy!