Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Mom Needs Help...Too Much Pain To Handle!

I am so sorry it has been a long while since I blogged, things have gotten pretty busy here, what with work, school ending, worrying about Dani during the summer, marriage, you name it, it's been there.  But I have learned this evening how much I have missed blogging.  During those times it was a great release for me.  So I am back to doing it again...and now I need help...

How does a mother of a special teen like Dani (speaking about myself) get through the pain of dealing with the mental illness of a 16 yr old?  Dani's main diagnosis is FAS, then the next step down is Schizophrenic, then the steps just progress down.  But four years after being in the state hospital, she starts going down hill...again.  But this time worse.  She has been creating her own reality by telling stories, for example; telling her friends that she is sexually active with many guys, she smokes and mom and dad buy her the cigarettes, she has been raped several time and the lies continue.  And she totally believes this!  She has become more oppositional/defiant, doesn't follow the house rules, puts on a good face after her counseling session, comes home and excited about the progress, then the next day...forgets everything.  It has been so hard and so painful to see her get sick again.  Maybe she wasn't all the way well in the first place.

I have to work full time and so does dad and when it's summer she is by herself, something she can't be, but alas there are no summer programs for teens with disabilities here in Utah.  So what other choice do I have?  Things have gotten out of hand that I have been looking into a group home situation, which I did find one in Salt Lake which will be wonderful for her.  We had an appointment with Dani's psychiatrist this afternoon, I was crying and beside myself because of the turn of events, she knew that Dani was going to get worse and immediately agreed that this group home that I had contacted would be the best place for her.  She wanted to also change Dani's medications so we put her into Archway.  It's a temporary holding facility until other arrangements are made, or in other worse also, its for those teens who get in trouble with the law and they are mandated to this place. She cried, almost a major panic attack when she found out and of course, I am not being the strong one, my sweet husband is being that for me.  The doctor called in security to help us get her across the parking lot.  I wanted to grab her and run away because of the pain I was seeing and the tearing of my heart.  I couldn't handle it, this was worse than taking her to the State Hospital, maybe it's because she is now 16 and I've seen her lose friend after friend.  I just wish my heart and soul would stop crying.

How do I get over the feeling that I am abandoning her, that there should have been more that I could have done, the guilt?  One thing I did do, and I will probably go to hell for this, since I know her birth person (to me she is not a birth-mom, she doesn't even deserve that title) because she is my ex-husbands niece, I sent her a very strong email about how angry I was at her because of the choices she made while she was pregnant with my daughter.  I let her know of all the things Dani will not be able to do in her life, etc.  I am still very upset with her.  I hurt because of all the things she won't be able to do.  One of my daughters called me from California this afternoon just crying her eyes out, she is so much like me, and she said "mom, what kind of life is left for Dani if she can't do these things?"  Trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat to give her some comfort, what I told her rang true to me.  She can volunteer her time to a cause that she wants...and that's all I could think of...that's how torn apart I am, I couldn't think of anything good.

What am I suppose to do?  How am I suppose to feel?  How do I handle this to get through the day?  Can anyone help me?  Someone told me once that I have to mourn the child/adult I had envisioned for my daughter.  My hopes and dreams for her, well those images are gone, how do I build new ones?

This picture above is her after she cooked me breakfast on Mother's Day...she is my angel~

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello Diane,
I don't know that I can be of any help. I just came across your blog this morning. I hear your heartache as I worry for my 2 young boys whom I suspect have FAS although undiagnoised at this time. I worry about their futures and their relationships...as you describe for your daughter. I was wondering if Dani wants what you wanted for her future. I wonder if my boys will be able to understand what they will lose because of choices they make or what has been stolen from them by their birth mothers. I'll pray for peace and understanding - wisdom for those who are helping your daughter.