Is It her Dreams...or Mine?

Just a few days ago, my heart was just torn in two when I found out from Dani's doctor that she wouldn't be coming home and that her future looked bleak.  After that appointment I went home and was basically a wreck for about two days.  I mean no sleep, no appetite, except my desire for Pepsi, cried all the time, just having that feeling of hopelessness.  Came home and wrote a very strong letter to her birth mom, which at that time felt pretty good.  But it took my daughter and niece to wake up and "smell the coffee".  Dani's mom is mentally disabled also, and she can't make rational decisions or choices.  She was a product of incest and I think because of that, her mother and family treated her like crap.  No one was standing in her corner to get her the help she needed.  So when her own mom died, no one stepped up to take care of her, she went to the streets, met the first guy who would marry her and then got heavily into drugs and drinking.  But there is the difference, no one was in her corner getting her the help she needed, but for her daughter...I have always been in Dani's corner, supporting her, being there when she fell, cheering her on.  After that realization, my thoughts and feelings turned to sadness.  Sad that genetics is so mean, that it can ruin a person's life.  I couldn't hold her responsible for the choices she made, she trusted people blindly, including her therapist who told her taking her anti-psychotic medications would not hurt the baby (yea right).  She and Dani share the same lack of  rational thinking. After that conversation, I refused to believe that Dani's life is ruined nor am I giving up.

In speaking with my friend, it's always good to talk to someone that doesn't know all my dirty laundry but with someone who doesn't judge me or interrupt or get mad at what I am thinking or feeling.  I talked with her because I was still grieving pretty heavily...she said that I wasn't abandoning her or giving up on her, the best kind of love a mother can show her child who needs is to get her/him the help that child needs desperately. By not doing that the child suffers tremendously.  That made a lot of sense to me. We continued to talk and I realized that it wasn't her dreams I was grieving about it was mine.  I think my expectations were way to high.  So I have had to readjust my thinking seat belt, relax and let Dani take the driving wheel and see where she can take me.

My husband and I don't believe she won't come home, we have that hope in our hearts and we believe it.  I think it's just that during summer there is no structure, no real boundaries as there is during the school year.  So, next week she will probably go to a real nice group home down in Salt Lake, she will get the help she needs and the retraining of the skills she learned while she was in the state hospital.  And that is OK with me!

Since she has been in the other facility these past few days, she has been a different young lady.  Doesn't seem too out or control, more relaxed can focus easier.  This is a good thing for her, mom just needs to let her baby girl fly now.  We have a year and a half left until she is 18yrs old.  Do you know how scary that is for me? I have so much to do to prepare her and I can't do it by myself, I will have to rely on the services the State of Utah has to offer. My new dream for her is to have as much of a fulfilling life as she can possibly maintain.  One other thing my therapist said was "what you feel you project onto your daughter.  Doesn't necessarily mean that is what she is feeling. Let me discover what works for her, she may not need to have to have a loving relationship with a man, but maybe lots of friends that give her a sense of love is all she needs or wants.  Don't make those decisions for her, let her do the discovering.  She knows you are there and will support her, let her spread her wings during this time while she is away from you and when she does come home, sit back and watch her wings open up.  You will be amazed at what you see!"

So, since it is Saturday, and I am home alone until my grandchildren come over this evening for a sleep-over, I have the opportunity to sit back and re-evaluate what my dreams are for her.  She may not graduate from high school, she may not be able to hold down a full time job...but that's okay, my only dream for her is...to be the best person she can be within her limits!