Well...Who da' Thunk!

Last night was interesting to say the least.  Both my husband and I learned something new about Dani.  For the past couple of weeks we have known that my husband's son is graduating from college today and the whole family (my husband's side of the family) will be making the trek down to Provo.  And Dani for the most part was excited to see her brothers.  But last night when we started talking about what time we needed to get up, etc she started having a melt down saying she had to go to school...she couldn't miss school.  We both tried to calm her down, even tried sending her to her room because during that meltdown, our grandchildren were over with mom and dad, didn't want to upset the rest of the family.  So Dani makes her last proclamation that she wasn't going and that's that.  After some thinking and dicsussion with my husband we both came to the same conclusion that there was something she was avoiding, something was scaring her.  She doesn't do very well in big crowds so we thought that was the answer.  Well come to find out this morning when I woke her up at 4:30am (my eyes were barely open) she confided in me that she didn't want to be around dad's ex-wife.  Everytime we were in a setting that the ex was involved in, she somehow made what we call a "zinger" at Dani, making some kind of rude remark and with Dani's obsessiveness, she mulls that over in her mind over and over until it makes her sick and the meltdown was her way of telling us "hell no I won't go".  So dad and I didn't force the issue with her, we areed with her and let her go to school.  Besides that she has solo try outs today in choir and she didn't want to miss that.  It just strikes me funny how these kids bring a voice to their fears.  It's definately not rational but it is the best they can do  isn't it.

Words of Comfort and Joy!

I finally figured out today why I blog.  At first I thought it was to help educate others who are going through what I am going through...to reach out there, but there is another reason!  It's so that my blogger friends can reach out to me.  You all are teaching me, inspiring me, and encourging me and I do so appreciate it.  One true blogger friend emailed me back this morning giving me some loving advice which I am taking.  I have made up a binder for my husband to take on the road with him.  It is full, and I mean full, of articles of every aspect of the FASD world.  I just hope he will take it with him on the road and that he will at least open it up.  I thought about even going through the articles and highlightening the important parts, since he doesn't like to read to begin with.  But if I simplify it hopefully he will take an interest in it.  So thank you my dear friend for your advice.  And by the way...I have said many times "Hey...who is the adult and who is the child...I feel like I am babysitting here because both of you are acting like children"!  That didn't get me very far, just a very upset husband.  Oh well, I will forge on. 

I want to say something here...my husband is not an animal nor is he a bad guy.  In reality, he is really a fantastic, loving man with a HUGE heart.  He married me with four daughters when he raised boys, not girls so this is a different world to him.  And then he marries a woman (me) who has a daughter with special needs.  That's got to be hard.  And please...I am not making excuses for his behavior either, theres just another side of him.  But I think as parents and marriage partners or any kind of partners, we are all striving for happiness, no matter what kind of family we have, no matter what color we all are or the ages, we all crave two basic needs...LOVE and HAPPINESS!

Emotional Cleanup!

I don't know what is worse, the actual fighting in a family or the aftermath where we are all licking our wounds from the harsh and mean words that have been said.  In my family you could swear your are watching a tennis match, back and forth...back and forth!  But the unfortunate thing...no one wins.  For me I can pretty well numb myself up from the angry words but for my Dani...not so easy.  She gets more clingy, very emotional, needing those little checks from mom that let's her know that she is okay.  So I called mental health today to get her back into counseling and her counselor is out for a while, had heart surgery (God bless her) so we get a new counselor...a guy!  Dani has for along time trust issues with...guys.  Been hurt and let down so many times in the past, was even hard for her to open up to her male counselor when she was at the state hospital.  But she surprised me by saying "that's okay mom, I can handle it".

So next week starts a new challenge to start getting her back on the right path again.  I just wish I could stop and take a breather and get my sanity together...someday!

Usual Venting...Got to Get it Off my Chest!

Why is it so hard for men, not all men, to understand a child/teen's disabilities, problems, stressors, etc.  Why do some men feel it is okay to constantly put down and let that child/teen know there faults and try to hold them to higher standards when they themselfs can't do it?  We all know, as parents to these special kids, that we can not hold these kids to the normal standards/rules, whatever we want to call them as an adult or a kid without these challenges. My husband for one is famous for making sure Danielle knows what she has done wrong, drills it into her to the point of her being in tears and saying things like "maybe it's better that I am not here"!  What kind of man would drive his daughter to say something like that?  When we have had doctors, psychologists/psychiatrists, counselors tell us both...that being a parent to a child with FASD is a challenge and to throw those damn parenting books out the window.  I understand it, I even teach this to other parents but he just doesn't get it.  So now, I am where several mothers are at this point in time...what do I do?  What do I do?

Miracles Do Happen...It Happened Today!

Well...for months...no...for years I have tried to get Dani to clean her room, not just shove stuff under her bed but deep clean her room.  I don't know what got under her skin today but I came home and she was so excited about something, she was bouncing off the walls.  When I opened my car door Dani was right there asking if she could help with anything.  I said "no honey, I'm fine but thanks for asking".  She dragged me into the house, had me close my eyes and directed me to her room and as soon as she told me to open my eyes...it was like the angels were singing, it was one of those "AH..." moments.  I was so surprised, I was speechless...but the look on her face was priceless.  So let me sum it up...1) Long day at work 2) Too tired to move 3)  Dani's face when she showed me her room?  Priceless!

Excellent Article Everyone Should Read!

I borrowed this article from a fellow blogger which I feel is extremely important to read and get the message out there to the public about drinking and being pregnant.


Guest editorial: Behavior problem can be detected
By Carolyn Szetela, Ph.D., and Roger Zoorob, M.D., MPH • April 18, 2010

The recent news of a 7-year-old boy adopted from Russia and returned to his home country because of alleged behavioral problems calls to mind a new family struggling to find the routine, comfort and acceptance that helps most families function.

Whether a child is adopted, foster parented or raised by biological parents, children with significant behavioral problems should be evaluated for alcohol-related birth disorders, called fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD).

Alcohol is a teratogen, meaning that it can cause birth defects in the developing fetus. The level of risk is higher when alcohol is used in higher quantities and at critical times of fetal development. In the United States as well as Russia, the use of alcohol during pregnancy is common, and many pregnant women are not aware of the risks.

In the United States, about one out of every 10 women report drinking in the past month of pregnancy, and about one out of 25 pregnant women reports binge drinking of five or more drinks per occasion in the past month.

Children who have experienced foster care have higher rates of FASD. This may contribute to the findings of a recently announced Swedish study that more than half of 71 children adopted from Eastern European countries were affected by FASD.

Often overlooked problem

FASD is often overlooked and presents differently in every affected child and adult. It can manifest in mild to severe learning, mental, behavioral and/or physical disabilities. Children who are affected and their families often go through their lives without understanding the cause of their struggles to function and fit in, and without access to the interventions to help them manage.

While there is no single blood test or psychological screen that can tell if a person is affected, trained health professionals can typically identify when FASD is present and propose strategies and interventions for doing better. Meharry Medical College is host to the Southeastern FASD Regional Training Center, which urges more public attention to this health issue and trains health providers to identify and help manage the disorder.

It is not appropriate to offer an "armchair diagnosis" of the child spotlighted in the Russian adoption case, and multiple causes may influence any behavioral problems he may have. However, an FASD evaluation should be part of any child's health evaluation for persistent cognitive, developmental or behavioral challenges.

Parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances, and parenting high-needs children is sometimes overwhelming. When FASD is present, the question of blame is irrelevant. Acknowledging the possibility of FASD is an opportunity for the child and parents to understand the child's difficulties and help restore their best potential.

And one more thing: If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, remember that alcohol is a known teratogenic drug that targets the developing baby's brain. No mother wants to harm her child. FASDs are 100 percent preventable.

Carolyn Szetela, Ph.D., and Roger Zoorob, M.D., MPH are based at Meharry Medical College and the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders South East Regional Training Center.

Resistence is Futile!

Here's my Sunday morning so far:

"Dani...time to get up (as her alarm is going off)"

"No" (major whining)

"Dani...time to get up and get ready for church!...Now!"

"Noooo"

Five minutes later - "Dani...you made me a promise last night if I let you stay up a little later"

"I did not make a promise...now leave me alone"

"Well then, I guess your trip to California is off"

"Oooook, I'm up (as she is grumbling all the way to the bathroom"

What a wonderful way to start a Sunday.  When Dani was at the State Hospital a couple of years ago now, during one of our counseling sessions, we discussed rules in our house that were not negotable.  And going to church was one of them.  So, if she views me as the "Borg" and that I am trying to assimilate her, then let the games begin!  Happy Sunday everyone! 

Footnote:  As far as the picture of the daisy goes...I just love the flower, it's one of the happiest flowers out there besides the sunflower, which is another one of my favorites.  Just wanted to give this cranky post a cheerful feel!