Angels with Disabilities!

The Rules have Changed...

2012-01-22T13:56:00.004-07:00

You would think that after 17 years of being my daughter's mother I would have learned by now that the rules of life change on a annual or a semi-annual or even on a daily basis. This is the case with my daughter. Since she has been home from the proctor-foster care experience, her anxiety has gotten worse. Come to find out that for many, many years she has suffered with sensory integration. This would definitely explain the need to always wear a pair of panty hose or two pairs of pants everyday.

Anyway, trying to help her transition back into full time high school has been impossible. She can not handle the large crowds and confusion that comes with all the kids walking to classes and all the conversations, she has sensory overload to where she has panic attacks. For over a week I could not get her up to go to school and her school psychologist suggested I keep her home and ask for hospital services. That is where a teacher would come to our home to teach her the core classes. Hence begins my battle with our school district. Instead of them spending money for what my daughter needs and we were so close to the end of the semester, I picked up work from her teachers that Dani could complete at home, at her own pace and return to be graded. And it was agreed upon to grade her only on the work she completed. That worked out pretty good. Dani was more relaxed, less anxiety attacks, but being home brought on a new set of problems...getting use to being home all the time with the realization that the TV would not be on all the time. That part is still being worked on...anyway...during this time I discovered that the wrong IQ test was administered to her last year, which brought her IQ up in the mid 80's when her IQ for years and years have been in the low-mid 70's. And the reason this was of major importance is that I was trying to get Dani into the LifeSkills class, less number of kids, less stress, etc. But because of the results of the wrong test, my request had been denied. Then after all the years of working closely with the special education department heads and teachers, I get this comment from one of the coordinators at the school district saying "What makes Dani so special now?" After that comment I saw "RED"! Our school psychologist re administered the correct test to Dani which brought her IQ where it has been, and I could have taken this case further up the school board but by this time I am totally frazzled and exhausted. So, here is what we decided to do...

I have officially taken Dani out of school for her core classes, she does to go high school for two classes and they are to be fun classes. Right now it's peer tutoring and art. Then I am home-schooling her for the remainder of the year. Ask me if I know what I am doing...oh heck no! But it's mainly to decompress, step back from all the stress and focus on those things that are important to a kid like Dani. My main focus will be in her reading skills and life skills. Years ago, my husband and I had our own trucking company and we drove all over the United States while home-schooling Dani in our big-rig. During that time her IQ was up in the 80's. We had decided to have me stay home so Dani could go to school for the socialization but what I didn't know then that I know now is that her lack of social skills/ques is from the FASD not because of potential sheltering. But the funny thing is that when she went back into the public school system, her IQ dropped down to the low-mid 70's. I guess that would show that there is something wrong in the public school systems. Go figure!

So now since the rules have changed, my husband and I have our work cut out for us, but not so bad...this will be fun! Danielle is one of those kids that learns from her environment not books or lectures so we are excited to watch her blossom.

There is Life at the End of the Rainbow...

2011-11-03T17:43:00.002-06:00

I can't remember the last time I wrote a post, seems like forever...but there were several times that I did sit down, in front of my computer, my hands ready to start typing...when...instant fatigue would hit...BAM! I am going to try to catch up as much as possible. First, to recap, Dani has been living at a proctor-foster home for the past 5 months. She is not in State's custody, we are still her parents. It was mainly so that we as parents could have a break, get more education under our belts because of her new diagnosis (FASD) and prepare for her to come home. As a matter of fact, she is coming home November 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving!!!

Mom and Danielle, we had breakfast with our family and all us girls went down to Gardner Village in Salt Lake for the "Witch's Festival".

The time away has been more beneficial for me because I got to know myself, I mean truly know myself. I never realized how much baggage from my childhood I was carrying around on my shoulders. Things that had helped mold me into the "helicopter" parent I was. So...with that I let go of a lot...and...started to discover how to be a better "helicopter" parent. I know that doesn't make sense...one counselor told me to stop being a "helicopter" parent, to let my daughter do her thing, then the genetic counselor from UofU told me to "be the best helicopter parent there is because with Dani, I have to be involved all the time"! But there's limits, both my husband and myself went through a TRANSFORMATION! And we are super excited to have her come home.

Here are some good points to having my daughter in Foster Care: 1) It put Dani in a safe place, in fact all of us in a safe place to where we were not wanting to kill each other. 2) Dani got involved with a wonderful counselor at her school that has helped her with regulating her emotions. Her meds were changed and she started to have a short fuse, she actually hit someone, so her counselor is helping her with these short-fuses, prepping her for the real world. 3) I didn't live a 24/7 stressed out life, took time for me, took time to be in a relationship with my husband. 4) I LOST MY JOB!

Here are some NOT good points: 1) I lost my job, yes I have it listed in the good points because I was so stressed out, my BP one day was 160/120. Ok, that was a warning. In loosing my job it was a blessing, but also stressful because of the loss of medical benefits and of course $$$. 2) I didn't have any confidence in the foster parents at all! Don't get me wrong, I love them and appreciate all they are doing for Danielle, but I constantly worried about her meds, there were many times she didn't get them, they didn't follow the rules set by their foundation...it was just stressful.

After all that, we are looking forward to the transition of Dani coming home. Things will be different, she knows that and the transition will be slow...real slow. Things at home have to be real structured, not sure how I am going to do that just yet, but will let you all know, but IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I may be old, but not old enough to where I can't learn new tricks!

Here is a declaration: Because of the loss of my job, I have stepped way back to rethink the rest of my life. I have been in the medical field for almost 20 years, I have 16 years of experience of my daughter Danielle and I don't and won't get back into a job to where I feel terrible because I have to leave 15 minutes early to pick up my daughter or get her to an appointment. So, I am looking to be a FAS, Family Resource Facilitator. I want to give back what has been freely given to me, along with that my husband and I are going to be Foster Parents. I am going to be starting a new blog about the journey of getting licensed, etc. so stay tuned!

Feeling Like I've Been Replaced...

2011-08-24T17:43:00.000-06:00

Danielle has now been down to her new foster home. Some of you don't know, part of Danielle's treatment is to live in a foster home. It sounds terrible, but we still have custody of her, she is not a ward of the state. With her down in Salt Lake, it gives her the time away from home, get into a specialized school that has a doctor and counselors that she works with everyday, along with small number of students in each classroom, structured, away from the main streaming of high school which was terrible for her. Danielle does not do very good in large crowds, she has a tendency to have high anxiety.

But knowing she is safe and this is good for her, I have been miserable. For 16 years I have been her champion, her protector and her educator. And I feel I have had my title removed, even though I know I will always be her mom.

There has been big adjustments not only in my home but also with the family she is living with.

A couple of weeks ago, Danielle and I had an appointment with Dr Lewin up at the University of Utah. She is in pediatric genetics and specializes in FASD, she is top in her field nationwide, we were pretty lucky to get with her so fast when normally her waiting list is close to a year. So with Danielle's history, photos of her growing up and photos of her birth family, along with several measurements she was finally diagnosed as FAS! You have no idea how relieved I was to finally have a diagnosis instead of all these years guessing. After Dr Lewin gave us her report I started crying because I felt like a huge weight was taken from my shoulders. Her other disabilities are secondary to the FAS. I am just waiting for the final report and all the recommendations Dr Lewin gave me, there were so many I can't remember all of them.

The family Danielle lives with are Tongan and I just love their culture. They have accepted Dani into there family as if she was their own and believe it or not, she feels like she belongs. She feels safe...which just hurts me to the core. I have so much guilt because I could not provide her a safe home. I was thinking the other day that I should not have gotten married so soon. It should have been just her and I for awhile, but I fell in love, still love my husband very much, imperfections (I'm not perfect either). So now Dani and my husband have to learn to live together, God willing. From the time Danielle moved in with this family, they were preparing for a HUGE family reunion and they included Dani in their native dances. She was so excited and so was I because I was invited to attend to watch Danielle. So a couple of weeks ago I went with Danielle, there were close to 500 family members and I had a blast. It was great to see Danielle feel so comfortable and all these people who gave her hugs, so much acceptance. But again, my heart aches and I wonder if she will want to come home. I guess I have to take one day at a time.

The hardest thing for me has to been to give up being so involved in her life. I believe with all my heart that no one can take care of a child but his/her mother. And with Danielle with another family, I worry that she is not being taken care of as if I was with her. I think I was driving the family, Danielle's case manager, counselor crazy with my constant texts, emails, etc. Not only was I driving them crazy, I was driving myself crazy. So a couple of days ago I decided to back off and let things be. This will give me time to concentrate on my health and my marriage. Time will tell!

This is her foster family, Lucy, Sepo and Mehli.

Mom and Danielle at the Family Reunion

Danielle getting the final touches on her costume. Her foster mom's, they are two sisters, made this costume for her.

Danielle and her room-mate are finally in their full traditional costumes, just minutes before they went on stage with about 50 other family members. I was so surprised that she learned this dance and she performed it with such grace. I was SO proud of her!

Where Have All The Good Times Gone?

2011-08-07T09:48:00.000-06:00

Since my last post, Danielle has been placed in a proctor-home, not a foster home like we would think because I still have custody of her. But this home is suppose to give her structure, rules, they are suppose to watch for her behavior that happens here at home, get her services and new evaluations (neuro)...well? Not yet! It's been close to 6 weeks and really nothing but a lot of frustration for mom! At first she takes almost everything she owns, then wants me to bring more like her bike (which I said no) the right hand and the left hand don't know what is happening because within the first two weeks, no one knew about the special circumstances of Dani. Talk about being frustrated. Her foster mom (for lack of better words for her title, which she is a very sweet and loving lady, couldn't ask for a better foster mom for Dani) didn't know that Dani could not be by herself so she sent her on a walk. Dani doesn't have any sense of direction, so I went driving around looking for her and getting more panicky because I could not find her. Then I saw her coming back to the house, about a block away, pulled over and we had a conversation, she thought (her brain owie) Lucy said another thing, I was a little upset after I left because I had felt my daughters safety is being compromised. So I called the two heads of the foundation, left messages for her case manager, etc to arrange a meeting of the minds. The meeting did happen and I was able to get things off my mind and there were reassurances, etc.

Well since that time, Dani doesn't like coming home because of the conflict between her dad and herself, she is not willing to own up to her part of the problem, like following our house rules, etc and I realize that it may be part of the FAS but where is the cut off, when is she suppose to take responsibility for something? A couple of weeks ago, there was a major blow out with her dad, that on the way back to Salt Lake she was crying saying she had wished she never had a dad and that I shouldn't have remarried and it should be just her and me. I was devasted, not knowing what to say...then we get down to the dance studio where I am to drop her off at, she immediately leaves the car, no backward glance, walks into the studio and gives Lucy a hug and continues her night with her new big family, leaving me at the door with my mouth wide open and tears getting ready to spill. Lucy had to remind Dani to give me a hug. On the way home I cried, balled my eyes out, thinking and feeling I had just lost my daughter. She feels save in that big Tongan family, not safe within her own family. I am still reeling over that, the feelings of loss are extreme. There is just so much more that has happened that it still makes me cry so at this time I won't go into it. Maybe my next post.

She came home this weekend for her eye appointment, new glasses and it was the same thing taking her back. I can't help feel regret, where has the time gone, my time with her on a daily basis is probably over, what good have I done for her over the 16 years, why the problems now, I still tear up, even when I am typing this paragraph.
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This coming week, we do have an appointment up at the University of Utah to see one of the top genetic doctors in the nation to get a genetic workup on Dani. I can't wait to hear what that report turns out.

On a positive note, Dani did go to Girls Camp. She had a wonderful time, took on leadership roles, was a positive influence on the younger girls in her group, I was very proud of her. One of the visitors and speakers was this young lady named Hannah. She has multiple disabilities as you can see in the picture, but what an inspiration to not only me but to Dani. Dani cried finally feeling and realizing that she wasn't alone with her disabilities. I was grateful for that young lady and the inspiration she gave.

The picture above was the afternoon we dropped Dani off at her new home and the second picture is of her and Hannah!

Well to sum things up....I told the high powers of being in this group that Dani is not to come home until we start some kind of family therapy. I was told we couldn't necessary do that because that is part of the wrap-around program after she comes home. My response was that something has to be done so that both Dani and my husband feel safe and somewhat secure in their father/daughter relationship and that I don't go bonkers. The post-adoption specialist suggested/recommended that I get a hold of the FAS Network, which I have been involved with for years, but my husband hasn't. The education will do him good because of Dani's brain owie (don't know how to spell that word, sorry). I've already made contact, we will see, more details to come! Stay Tuned...

Let It be Written...Let It Be Done!

2011-06-28T20:42:00.000-06:00

Today was the day of all days. Today Dani and I met with the team that was going to coordinate, with me, the move to the foster/group home for her treatment. I was scared half to death because of the unknown but I stayed strong for Dani because she had her own fears, I didn't want to add on top of hers.

There was the co-founder of the proctor program that Dani is getting her treatment with, the head of post-adoptions here in Utah, two case workers, Dani's new foster mom and the two of us. For the first little while there was a dialogue between Dani and the Co-founder of "Foundation". He asked her if she knew what was going on, how she felt about it, what she felt were her worse behavior problems, etc. This went on for awhile and then it was question and answer time, were we discovered what the rules will be, her new doctor and therapist, what everyone is doing to help her during this time. She will be evaluated every three months to see where she is, depending on where she is in her progress will govern when she can have visits with us. For the first two weeks there is no contact with us, she needs to form a relationship with her new foster mom and they will keep her pretty busy. There will be therapy that starts with her, then her foster mom will be added and then Dani's dad and myself. The goal is to have her come home and be able to live together instead of feeding off of each other's bad moods. It's a very bad cycle in our home.

I had packets ready for the team which included a letter from her psychiatrist and therapist, then a mental health assessment from her therapist, her last neuro-evaluation from the State Hospital and her discharge summary, anything that would give her diagnosis. Then I had to write a letter on how much my family could contribute to her treatment. That was the hardest letter I have ever had to write. At this time we couldn't afford to help out at all, but the miracle was this...Dani has Medicaid for her special needs, after Medicaid pays their portion, $1500.00 is owed per month. We receive an adoption subsidy that was raised to $865.00, then there are two funds that sit there waiting to be used for kids who need treatment. It's either use it or they loose it. So that brought us down to owing nothing. But the best part is that the co-founder said, if that doesn't work, they will accept what they get, don't worry about anything. You have no idea how much weight that took off my shoulders.

Everything about the meeting was extremely positive. For every negative about Dani, they turned it into a positive. For example: Dani has a tendency to take scissors to her clothes, trying to create her own designs, at that time I was told that the foster mom is a seamstress and she can help her with those creations. There are other factors and information but at this time, my mind is extremely tired. I will probably remember more tomorrow.

After the meeting, on our way back to the facility she is staying at, she got extremely mad. Mad that she has so many problems because she has been to the BHI, State Hospital, hospitals for evaluations, etc. I told her not to be mad at her because this is not her fault, if she wants to be mad at someone, be mad at her birth mom, not mad at herself. Told her this is something she can talk to her therapist about and I hope and pray she will come to terms with this.

Her psychiatrist here had started her on a new medication, Latuda. Dani visited Dr C this afternoon and Dani said she doesn't feel as fuzzy headed as she has, her thinking is clearer. Dr C said that her eyes were clearer and she made more sense. This is a good start, this is good. It's going to be a long road but worth it. A lot of work but it will be a journey or self-discovery for all of us!

Sorry I am jumping around but I just remembered something, Dani was excused from the room and I asked them if while they were talking with her if they could detect any of her diagnosis. There was a resounding "YES". Then immediately they all started talking about things that they were going to do for her. Another neuro-psych evaluation, I am to contact Dr Llewellen up at University of Utah, she is the top of her specialty, genetic testing for FASD. It will take a few months to get in with her but they said to do it. They also said that she may be 16 but she functions at about 8-9yrs of age so how to deal with her as far as chores and instruction will be handled differently. I was thrilled they were brain storming about my daughters future. They are also preparing her to get involved with this program, I forgot what it was but I think the acronym is DPSD. If I've got that wrong, sorry, but this program will help her get a job, not matter how many hours it is, housing, help her get the quality of life she so deserves. I couldn't ask for more...this gave me so much hope, I left that meeting feeling better than I have in a long time.

Is It her Dreams...or Mine?

2011-06-25T10:00:00.000-06:00

Just a few days ago, my heart was just torn in two when I found out from Dani's doctor that she wouldn't be coming home and that her future looked bleak. After that appointment I went home and was basically a wreck for about two days. I mean no sleep, no appetite, except my desire for Pepsi, cried all the time, just having that feeling of hopelessness. Came home and wrote a very strong letter to her birth mom, which at that time felt pretty good. But it took my daughter and niece to wake up and "smell the coffee". Dani's mom is mentally disabled also, and she can't make rational decisions or choices. She was a product of incest and I think because of that, her mother and family treated her like crap. No one was standing in her corner to get her the help she needed. So when her own mom died, no one stepped up to take care of her, she went to the streets, met the first guy who would marry her and then got heavily into drugs and drinking. But there is the difference, no one was in her corner getting her the help she needed, but for her daughter...I have always been in Dani's corner, supporting her, being there when she fell, cheering her on. After that realization, my thoughts and feelings turned to sadness. Sad that genetics is so mean, that it can ruin a person's life. I couldn't hold her responsible for the choices she made, she trusted people blindly, including her therapist who told her taking her anti-psychotic medications would not hurt the baby (yea right). She and Dani share the same lack of rational thinking. After that conversation, I refused to believe that Dani's life is ruined nor am I giving up.

In speaking with my friend, it's always good to talk to someone that doesn't know all my dirty laundry but with someone who doesn't judge me or interrupt or get mad at what I am thinking or feeling. I talked with her because I was still grieving pretty heavily...she said that I wasn't abandoning her or giving up on her, the best kind of love a mother can show her child who needs is to get her/him the help that child needs desperately. By not doing that the child suffers tremendously. That made a lot of sense to me. We continued to talk and I realized that it wasn't her dreams I was grieving about it was mine. I think my expectations were way to high. So I have had to readjust my thinking seat belt, relax and let Dani take the driving wheel and see where she can take me.

My husband and I don't believe she won't come home, we have that hope in our hearts and we believe it. I think it's just that during summer there is no structure, no real boundaries as there is during the school year. So, next week she will probably go to a real nice group home down in Salt Lake, she will get the help she needs and the retraining of the skills she learned while she was in the state hospital. And that is OK with me!

Since she has been in the other facility these past few days, she has been a different young lady. Doesn't seem too out or control, more relaxed can focus easier. This is a good thing for her, mom just needs to let her baby girl fly now. We have a year and a half left until she is 18yrs old. Do you know how scary that is for me? I have so much to do to prepare her and I can't do it by myself, I will have to rely on the services the State of Utah has to offer. My new dream for her is to have as much of a fulfilling life as she can possibly maintain. One other thing my therapist said was "what you feel you project onto your daughter. Doesn't necessarily mean that is what she is feeling. Let me discover what works for her, she may not need to have to have a loving relationship with a man, but maybe lots of friends that give her a sense of love is all she needs or wants. Don't make those decisions for her, let her do the discovering. She knows you are there and will support her, let her spread her wings during this time while she is away from you and when she does come home, sit back and watch her wings open up. You will be amazed at what you see!"

So, since it is Saturday, and I am home alone until my grandchildren come over this evening for a sleep-over, I have the opportunity to sit back and re-evaluate what my dreams are for her. She may not graduate from high school, she may not be able to hold down a full time job...but that's okay, my only dream for her is...to be the best person she can be within her limits!

Mom Needs Help...Too Much Pain To Handle!

2011-06-21T21:26:00.000-06:00

I am so sorry it has been a long while since I blogged, things have gotten pretty busy here, what with work, school ending, worrying about Dani during the summer, marriage, you name it, it's been there. But I have learned this evening how much I have missed blogging. During those times it was a great release for me. So I am back to doing it again...and now I need help...

How does a mother of a special teen like Dani (speaking about myself) get through the pain of dealing with the mental illness of a 16 yr old? Dani's main diagnosis is FAS, then the next step down is Schizophrenic, then the steps just progress down. But four years after being in the state hospital, she starts going down hill...again. But this time worse. She has been creating her own reality by telling stories, for example; telling her friends that she is sexually active with many guys, she smokes and mom and dad buy her the cigarettes, she has been raped several time and the lies continue. And she totally believes this! She has become more oppositional/defiant, doesn't follow the house rules, puts on a good face after her counseling session, comes home and excited about the progress, then the next day...forgets everything. It has been so hard and so painful to see her get sick again. Maybe she wasn't all the way well in the first place.

I have to work full time and so does dad and when it's summer she is by herself, something she can't be, but alas there are no summer programs for teens with disabilities here in Utah. So what other choice do I have? Things have gotten out of hand that I have been looking into a group home situation, which I did find one in Salt Lake which will be wonderful for her. We had an appointment with Dani's psychiatrist this afternoon, I was crying and beside myself because of the turn of events, she knew that Dani was going to get worse and immediately agreed that this group home that I had contacted would be the best place for her. She wanted to also change Dani's medications so we put her into Archway. It's a temporary holding facility until other arrangements are made, or in other worse also, its for those teens who get in trouble with the law and they are mandated to this place. She cried, almost a major panic attack when she found out and of course, I am not being the strong one, my sweet husband is being that for me. The doctor called in security to help us get her across the parking lot. I wanted to grab her and run away because of the pain I was seeing and the tearing of my heart. I couldn't handle it, this was worse than taking her to the State Hospital, maybe it's because she is now 16 and I've seen her lose friend after friend. I just wish my heart and soul would stop crying.

How do I get over the feeling that I am abandoning her, that there should have been more that I could have done, the guilt? One thing I did do, and I will probably go to hell for this, since I know her birth person (to me she is not a birth-mom, she doesn't even deserve that title) because she is my ex-husbands niece, I sent her a very strong email about how angry I was at her because of the choices she made while she was pregnant with my daughter. I let her know of all the things Dani will not be able to do in her life, etc. I am still very upset with her. I hurt because of all the things she won't be able to do. One of my daughters called me from California this afternoon just crying her eyes out, she is so much like me, and she said "mom, what kind of life is left for Dani if she can't do these things?" Trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat to give her some comfort, what I told her rang true to me. She can volunteer her time to a cause that she wants...and that's all I could think of...that's how torn apart I am, I couldn't think of anything good.

What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to feel? How do I handle this to get through the day? Can anyone help me? Someone told me once that I have to mourn the child/adult I had envisioned for my daughter. My hopes and dreams for her, well those images are gone, how do I build new ones?

This picture above is her after she cooked me breakfast on Mother's Day...she is my angel~

Whew...Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

2010-11-20T12:40:00.001-07:00

I have always enjoyed that song because it is so real. Where has all the time gone? I look at the date of my last post and I am ashamed to say I have been neglectful. So let me see if I can catch up on things.

So far Danielle has been doing great. She has begun to look outside herself, in that I mean she helps our landlord go grocery shopping because he is up in his 80's and she makes sure he is okay. It's been a treat to see her helping in that capacity. She has just blossomed with her artwork, I will have to post a few of her new drawings. Her medications seem to be pretty stable right now. But the thing we are dealing with is her being bullied by the same girl she has had problems with through out the years. I just had enough last night to where I emailed her teacher telling him something has to be done or I will press charges against this girl. The school system seems to protect bullies and not the kids who are being bullied. I don't understand it.

But now our family faces a different challenge. My husband is going in for Lap-band surgery December 9th and our family is going to go through a huge change and Danielle will be involved in our changes. If anyone wants to keep up with us I have a new blog called lap-bandandlovinit.blogspot.com.

If Life Was a Little Simplier...

2010-10-07T20:31:00.000-06:00

I had Danielle clean out her own room and she did a wonderful job, there are no big piles of...stuff! I've noticed over the last few days since her room was cleaned out that she is more mellow, easier to get along with, occupies her time working on her poems/songs...life for her has slowed down and it has slowed down for me too. Just the past couple of nights I've come home in a better mood. I guess I need to put some of the problems Dani was going through on me because I would come home so exhausted that I would plop down on the couch with the remote control and I would put myself into a self-induced coma. It was pretty bad...but now...it's very pleasant. But I do believe this is the "honeymoon" period of her confinement. She'll start to rebel here pretty soon, I'm just waiting for it.

I have also come to the conclusion to have her do some community service, as I described in my previous post, I think I did. I've had several good suggestions from friends and the one that really sticks out is volunteering at our food bank or doing something with the United Way. My husband has even said that if he is home when we do the volunteering he would join us. So this could become a family thing, sometimes it's very good to step out of our own self's, out of our problems and help others.

This picture is of me, Danielle and my husband Mike on one of our ATV rides a couple of weekend's ago. Just when the leaves were starting to change. We have some of the most beautiful trails here in Utah and the colors and spectacular.

I'm Back with New Developments!

2010-10-05T17:16:00.000-06:00

Wow! What a short vacation that was, no sooner do I decide to take care of myself, all "hell" breaks loose in my home. Not only do I confront my husband about me loosing my mind and needing more of is support, etc, etc, etc...we find out that Danielle has been having a gay old time of stealing! So much she has even stolen money from her little niece. So, in all of this my sweet husband did step up to the plate on Sunday and called Dani's doctor and left a nice long message, basically saying "this child needs help!". He did receive a call back on Monday saying to call the police and get her to Archway. Archway is more or less of a halfway house for troubled teens. I didn't really feel comfortable with that so I called the doctor's office back and made an appointment with Danielle's therapist for that evening.

That appointment was a real waste. I haven't been that angry or frustrated like that in a long time. All she wanted to do was make another contract with Danielle that she won't steal or lie and I flat out told her that it won't work, not even special little stickers or rewards, it won't help! We've been down this path before and all the campaign promises made and nothing changes. We need help now before she winds up in the juvenile system and out of our hands. Her therapist didn't feel comfortable sending her to Archway because those are kids who don't want to go home and they know the system to stay where they are, no...not good for Dani. She is not suicidal so can't take her back to the BHI or even to the State Hospital. So...the only option!!!! Drum roll please............make home her lock down just like at the State Hospital. She has lost all privileges including her cell phone, well I've taken her friends phone numbers off and she can only talk to mom, dad or sisters. She has lost everything in her bedroom, she only has a bed, dresser and 7 days of clothing. Just like at the hospital. And it's not me cleaning out her room, it's her. She knows she has to earn everything back and it's going to take sometime. Mike and I are also thinking about her doing some community service, at least one day so she can step out of herself for a little bit and realize or hopefully realize life isn't all about her.

Not only is this going to be hard on her, but boy it's going to be hard on me. With me working full time and she gets home about 1 1/2 hrs before me...but we got that figured out. Next week I can upgrade her phone to one that has a GPS so I can track her whereabouts, but in the meantime, if I call or if dad calls, she has to go out in the carport and ring our chimes. That way we know she is at home and not lying to us. That's another problem and another story for another day!

If anyone has any ideas of a community service project for a FASD teen, please let me know!

Taking a Time Out for Mom!

2010-09-29T21:11:00.000-06:00

I apologize that I haven't posted anything lately. I have had to make a very hard decision because my life as I know it is falling apart. We as parents get so wrapped up in our kids world, their sports, their music...their disabilities that we loose site of who we are as an individual. Some parents can master this skill with no problem, to be able to juggle everything on one plate and some parents can't. Some parents don't have the back up support at home to be able to handle all those plates that need to be juggled...I am one of those parents. I have come to the point to where I am burned-out to the point where I wish I could just run away...not forever but for a few days, just by myself, without the worries of work, of Danielle's doctor appointments, counseling appointments any other appointments she may have. I am one of those parents who does not have the back-up support. I have a husband who is on the road more times than not (not his fault, just the nature of the beast), I have a daughter who has helped me so many times but I can't keep asking because she has a family of her own, there are virtually no programs here in Northern Utah that can help take care of a teen with these problems...so...my decision? I am taking a break in my posting and I have to figure out how to find me again, me...the person who had joy in her life at one time and it was the simple pleasures in life that made me smile.

So, please forgive me while I take this much needed break...I hope you are all here when I come back and I hope and pray that I have your support.

God love you all! Diane

Husband/Wife Relationships...Need I Say More?

2010-09-17T21:39:00.000-06:00

This has got to be one of my favorite pictures when it comes to relationships. These two starfish says it all, and we each an have our own interpretations. But how far from the truth can a couple be. In my past blog posts I have talked a lot of the problems of Danielle, Danielle and her dad, Danielle and I, but not much on my relationship with my husband...and I say "what relationship"? I just don't get it...and because I don't get it I feel like an emotional mess.I have to ask for forgiveness before I continue because I am probably going to ramble and talk in circles because I am so mixed up, lonely, tired, have that strong urge to run away and never come back...I am sure you all have felt that one time or another. I am there right now and I didn't know how much until one of my daughters came out for a visit this week. Everything was fine until my husband came home from the road and all we do is argue. I am tired of this life and how it is playing out! I don't remember signing up for this life, I don't remember getting married to be alone, I don't remember signing up for a life that all I do is work my butt off during the day, go to meetings, doctor appointments, counseling appointments, IEP's, etc. I don't remember signing up to marry a man who when he's home, he sits in front of the TV and when I get home, doesn't have the strength to do anything with me (even if it's taking a small walk). I don't remember signing up to be so worn out to where I feel I don't have anything left for myself. In my conversation with my daughter, she and her husband have worked it out so well that I actually was thinking today that I needed to see my own shrink, my own counselor. That maybe I am the one that is crazy, not Danielle, but me. I can't keep my thoughts straight, what is my reality? It was pretty ironic though, in a small conversation with my oldest daughter, I told her that I was thinking about getting some counseling and she and my other daughter had talked thinking that counseling would be good for me since I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my life, about what is going on in my heart and soul. It's pretty lonely...that is why I blog, maybe someone who reads my blog feels the same bewilderment, loneliness, etc.

So...where do I go from here? Who do I contact...a counselor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I don't believe I need medication so maybe just someone to talk to, which would be a counselor. There are so many times I feel my life is one big abyss and I am hanging onto the ledge, just waiting for someone to throw me a rope...but alas, no rope comes.

I apologize if this sounds depressing, I am not, just confused. Does anyone else ever experience this and how have you handled it? Please let me know...someone throw me a rope!

A Big Thank you!

2010-09-07T20:42:00.000-06:00

I want to say a big thank you to those who read my blog and add their comments. I learn so much from everyone who replies and I don't feel so alone, it's good to know that there are others out there like me, and there are others like me who don't have a special needs kid/teen. We all share a commonality...we're all tired, over worked, tired of being alone in whatever challenges that life may throw at us. That is why I am so grateful for my blog, it's an outlet for my emotions, the crap that goes on day to day, but there are some days that are better than others, but we need to know that we are human and not everything is rosy. I am not one of those people who wear rose colored glasses. I use to in the 70's (LOL) but not now. Life is sooo different. So thank you for helping me keepin' it real and honest and for not judging me too much! Love to you all!

A Day of Happiness...short lived!

2010-09-07T20:33:00.000-06:00

Believe it or not, this stream was within a campground called "Christmas Meadows". Really pretty, good ATV trails.

Mirror Lake, Utah (Can we say...Beautiful?)

Our Danielle enjoying the cold, and I mean cold, it was 48 degrees while we were there. Brrrrrr!


Me and my trucker honey...Mike. This was a much needed day away. I mainly wanted a day away by ourselves but the more I thought about it Dani has been without dad just as long as I have. But now, hind-site I wish it was the two of us because today...cranky, cranky, cranky! It feels like we will never get that time alone because we both suffer from the "No Dad Syndrome". It was a good day though!

Where are Those Teaching Moments?

2010-09-05T16:19:00.000-06:00

Has anyone ever wondered how to be a teacher at those moments that are extremely embarrassing? For instance, common knowledge is if you nose is running, get a tissue and wipe it. On our side, we wipe it with our fingers and then wipe our fingers on our clothes. Or when we eat, we eat so fast and without manners and slop food all over ourselves. Or the common knowledge that we pick up after ourselves if we drop something or pick up after ourselves when we are done using the bathroom. I guess I am getting frustrated and loosing my patience over this. Along with my husband never being home, he is gone now 3 weeks at a time because he is a long-haul trucker. I can only be strong for so long and then I loose it. I plain out loose it to where even my personality at work changes. I am normally a very upbeat, positive thinking woman but lately...I'm not. I have become very negative, angry, frustrated, tired...is anyone out there listening to me? Can anyone relate? Even my blog posts I try to be positive and report only those things that are good with maybe a tinge of something bad that is going on. But dang it~I am tired, I am tired of being the strong one all...the...time! I have retreated into myself, not going anywhere, not getting involved with others. All I want to do is sleep, read and snack. I've talked to my doctor and yes I am depressed but who wouldn't be in these circumstances. But not only that, I have no hormones in my body, a thyroid that doesn't work and a blown pituitary gland. So yes, I am a mess.

The cure, major hormone creams, thyroid meds, etc. trying to take back my life so I can handle things a little better. At this point in my life, I would gladly give everything I have, including our camper and ATV to have my husband home. I didn't get married to be by myself all the rest of my life. So I really don't know what to do from here. I am looking for answers, I am praying for guidance and I know I won't be answered in my time but I will be answered in the Lord's time. So there, I've said a mouthful now I need to find solutions, if anyone has an idea, please share it with me.

I Think I've Got It!

2010-09-03T09:29:00.000-06:00

I think I've got it figured out! I had a long talk with AT&T last night and I didn't know we had a specical plan that allows up to 10 phone numbers that are treated as if it was mobile to mobile. So...I plugged in Dani's brothers phone number so from now on, after 5pm tonight, she can talk to him as if they were mobile to mobile. That will save us a big chunk of change. I tried explaining it to her last night but I don't think she really got it. All she heard was she could talk to her brother again. But as always, everything is contingent on how her grades are. I have a philosophy and saying "The Lord giveth, and mom taketh away".

Have a blessed day you all!

High School Issues - Homecoming Dance

2010-09-01T21:12:00.000-06:00

Well...here we go! My first hurdle...homecoming dance. Within the second day of Dani's school year, she was asked out to homecoming by not just one boy but two. She had to choose but she also needed to know my rules which are: 1) No dating until 16 years of age (which she is 15 1/2) 2) She will go in a group and 3) I am the chaperon. She didn't like that but you know what? Oh well, like isn't fair, if it was we'd all be faeries. It took her along time to get use to the idea especially with me going along but she saw the wisdom in it. It was accepting it or the alternative...not going!

Dani's First Day of School!

2010-08-29T13:30:00.000-06:00

Here is Danielle on her first day of high school. High school...I can't believe we have gotten this far when statistics clearly say that most kids with FASD don't make it through to their high school years. Boy are we as parents proving those statistic taking people wrong! I love it!

She was so excited. She has great classes, great teachers and a great group of friends who look out for her during the day. I worried for nothing. But the stress is starting to wear on her. She is home sick today from church due to a cold, this tells me that she isn't sleeping like she should, that there is too much excitement or stress or something going on. On her second day of school, she was asked out by two boys to the homecoming dance. Our rules? She can go provided it's with a big group and I am a chaperon. Such a mean mom aren't I, but our rules are no dating until we are 16 and then it's in groups until 17. It worked with her sisters and I won't bend the rules, especially with her.

Her summer was extremely hard because there is no place for a kid like her to go to be looked after so I had to put a lot of restrictions on her but in doing that, she would sneak around and then I would find out after it happened and then the discipline and restrictions and taking away of privileges. I hated it, next summer will be different. I am looking into some summer camps she can be a resident counselor and be involved with other kids like her. How was everyone's summer? Challenges like mine? Well, let's thank God for school!

Where the Heck Have I Been?

2010-08-29T12:48:00.000-06:00

I apologize, I have been here but again with no internet connection. But I am back and will get caught up. But first I have to download my pictures so that I can get caught up on summer activities along with Danielle's first day of school. Lots going on so I promise...be...right...back!

Let's Build Something Together!

2010-08-07T11:52:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here in my easy chair, with my husband on the coach and Danielle in the shower and I just watched the commercial for Lowe's and their slogan "Let's build something together" struck me really hard. I know they were talking about building something literally but like I always do I took it a step further like building relationships, or building experiences or building blocks to get ready to go back to school. Danielle just got back from an over night hike with her church leaders and a few other girls her age. They hiked in three miles, camped and hike back out using those big back packs. She had to carry her sleeping bag, her clothes and packed in her own water. I wasn't worried, I knew she would do good because of how she took the bull by the horns and packed her own backpack. Last night while Mike and I were having dinner a monstrous thunder and lightening storm came through and went right over the mountains the girls were at. Anyway, long story short, this morning Mike was pretty concerned that Danielle would come home traumatized because of the storm. I just looked at him and gave a little snicker. He said "I am not giving her much credit am I?" I said "No, your not. She's come along way baby!". Just like I thought, when she got home she was great, said she had a fantastic time and no, she was not traumatized.

So, to make my point, we build something together...confidence in our daughter!

If It's Not One Thing...It's Another...I Think!

2010-08-03T18:54:00.000-06:00

Well...I think we are heading into a direction mom may not be ready for and I believe this direction has got me a little nervous. You all know that Dani has found her natural brother and he has been adopted by a wonderful family and I see nothing but great things for him...but Dani has been showing some anger lately to the point to where she told me last night to leave or she would hurt me. Come to find out she is angry because she is up here in Utah and her brother is down in Texas. I can't say that I blame her because I don't but there isn't anything that can be done in this situation accept keep talking on the phone, plan for visits, etc. I am proud of Dani though, after her little outburst last night, she came to me and said she was in trouble and needed to talk to her counselor. We were lucky to get in to see her this afternoon and of course Dani knows what the reality is and she was given some new tools to help her through this.

I know what I am going through with my daughter doesn't compare to what you other parents go through with your kids but believe me, we have been there, we have walked in your shoes it's just that the trials are different as the kids age, there are hormone changes, meds need to be adjusted, just a whole lot of changes. So please understand, we've been there and you will get there too. Not everyday is perfect in our household and it never will it's just finding creative ways of handling each and every day!

A Couple of My Favorite Pictures!

2010-07-25T13:37:00.000-06:00

Mom, Daniellie and Dad after the dress rehearsal of "Arise and Shine Forth". Dani was excited and extremly tired.

Danielle after discovering her natural beauty along with our dog Grizzly!

"Are We There Yet?"

2010-07-25T13:26:00.000-06:00

I can not believe it is almost the end of July already. This summer has found me and my family extremly busy. Not only working full time but with our church activities, getting ready for school, actually getting ready for that big transition into "High School"! Since my last blog entry, Dani has been actively involved in one of our church functions. For the past two years a program called "Arise and Shine Forth...a Youth Spectacular" has been in the planning stages. And within the last six months, practices, learning the dance routines along with song and dance has been in earnest. And just two weekends ago, the big performance took place here at our Weber State University Stadium. This event had 3400 youth involved, 500 adult volunteers, hours of practice, volunteers sewing costumes, etc. And with the weather here this year being extremely hot, the performance was wonderful. I will include a couple of pictures to give you an idea of what was going on. But in the long run, it was a fabulous experience for Dani. She learned the dance in record time, all the songs, went diligently to all the practices and walked away with a best friend, her dance partner in fact. She has grown not only in her abilities to handle situations but also her testimony in Christ. For those who read my blog, in case you didn't know, I am "mormon" and if that turns you off from my blog, so goes it, but that is what I love about America, freedom to worship my Heavenly Father in whatever fashion I choose.

Since this performance, it has been imperative that Dani start really learning her life skills because a lot of time I wasn't able to be home to get her to places. I worked with her case worker and she was able to get Dani a bus pass so she can get around, which does make me nervous because some of her judgement impairments and this next week will be a big test. She and her good friend are taking the city bus down to one of our water parks. Mom here has to start letting go somehow and sometime and since we start high school next month I had better prepare myself along with her. We haven't argued like we use too, we still have issues with chores before pleasure which will be an ongoing struggle I believe for a very long time. She has become more responsible when it comes to preparing meals and taking care of herself. She has made the break-away (Thank God) from her so called "girlfriends" who were influencing her on how she dressed and how much make-up she wears. It was during the time of the performances that she called me into the bathroom and said "Mom, I am pretty without that make-up. I just need a little lip gloss". And she has stayed true to that discovery! So here are some of my favorite pictures. I will also in another blog put my little video of her dancing with her partner.

This is just the beginning of the program and just a small part of how many youth participated in this program. The age range was 14-19 years of age.

The picture above is just one of the many practices. Dani is just on the left side of the 50 yard line post in the white Tee-Shirt.

And this is Danielle's dance group, they did the "Hoe-Down" dance. Dani is in there somewhere! From what I believe, this is once in a life-time for these kids and it is an experience they soon will not forget!

Hello Fellow Bloggers!

2010-07-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

For the past three weekends we have been camping and ATVing and I think I have had my fill of camping this summer. Just takes the stuffing out of you. Not so much as the camping but the riding. My favorite part is sitting in my little recliner chair, under our camper awning with a good book on my lap and a soda by my side...also with the knowledge that Dani is having a good time playing with her cousins and riding. But each trip doesn't go without an incident. An incident which proves that these kids live constantly with the wicked FASD!

As one of Dani's rules, she would ride our ATV down the path, just a little ways, to the out-house. Last weekend, as she was coming back, some jerk, and I say that lightly because I am trying to be polite, came up behind her, reving his atv motor, scaring her half to death to where she rode our atv off a little ledge into the creek. No major damage to the vehicle but she cut her knees up pretty good. I as so mad I got on my sister in law's atv and went looking for the idiot but luckily my husband stopped me. I was so MAD! It was a pretty good ledge too, but it shows that these kids have no reaction time when startled. They can't think and react as fast as they need to. That is one of the reasons why Dani's doctor told her and us that she should not drive. Scared me and her. My sweet husband handled it perfectly. Dani was so scared that dad was mad at her, but he wasn't. We were sitting in camping when we heard someone screaming "HELP". The men got up and ran and sure enough, they found Dani. Mike made sure she was okay and nothing was broken and my niece brought her back to camp, that is when I went hunting for the creep. Just glad that weekend is over.

So now, it's back to sheer bordom for Dani. I am back to work, my sweet husband is back on the rode and we keep looking forward to the next time we can get out of town. It does our family good to get away for at least a couple of days.

The two pictures is of Dani with her Uncle Don and the other one with her cousing Shawn.

I Need a Vacation to Recover from Vacation!

2010-06-23T15:54:00.000-06:00

Well, I survived vacation, the days away from family and friends and alone with my husband was wonderful! We had a wonderful Anniversary/Father's Day. The weather was fantastic! Couldn't ask for better and even with the knowledge that Dani was safe and having a wonderful time was helpful too! She arrived in Burbank in one piece, had a wonderful time and even her trip home, with the layover in Vegas was fantastic. SouthWest Airlines is the only way I will fly from now on. They were so prepared for her and someone was there every step of the way. I had no reason to worry...yea right, ask a mom not to worry? But she is home now and it's back to normal life. But today I find myself extremely exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. Which after I am done with this entry I will probably go lay down again.

Dani's trip was wonderful for her. She got to spend some much needed time with one of her favorite sisters. They did shopping, worked on her hair and make-up, went to Magic Mountain, to the beach and I knew she was safe and sound. When she got off the plane last night I was prepared to see her hair all funky but they dyed it black and she had clip on pink streaks. I thought she looked cute, okay...cool! I'll put the picture in once it get it off my camera tonight.

Traveling with FASD...Let Us Pray!

2010-06-17T20:39:00.000-06:00

As we all know, tomorrow morning Dani takes off...in a jet plane to Southern California by way of Oakland then down to Burbank. Then when she comes home she leaves Burbank, stops in Vegas for a two hour layover. TWO HOUR LAYOVER...DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH FEAR THAT PUTS INTO MY HEART AND SOUL? I AM SO NERVOUS I AM DRIVING MY WHOLE FAMILY NUTS! Anyway, Dani and I went through her suitecase day before yesterday and by the time I got things pulled out, her suitecase literally lost probably 5-10lbs. Kids with FASD have no conception of what is right and wrong to pack, they just "feel a need, fill that need". So not only did she pack her clothes (good job Dani) she had packed two rolls of duct tape, a knee brace, wrist brace, and an ace bandage. Then there was a huge jewelery box with key for her bracelets she is making. I just had to smile because to her that was so important, but it was a learning lesson too. We got things fixed and ready to go.

Now the fear part. I don't worry about her traveling there because she just stops in Oakland, doesn't get off the plane and continues to Burbank. The way home? So this is what I have done. When your kids travel alone call the airline and have them make a note on the passenger list, with their name. They have special categories for disabilities or disabled passengers. For Dani it was "developmentally delayed". That gives the crew a heads-up about my daughter. Second, the child does not go to the plane alone. As long as the parent and the other person on the other end of the trip, has a copy of the itinerary, along with a valid form of ID, that person can go to the plane. But when you go to the check-in to pick up or drop off, strongly mention your child has special needs. That is how Dani is being picked up in Burbank. My daughter has her itinerary and id, but only one person is allowed back there.

So in Vegas, this is what I have planned. As soon as Dani gets off the plane she is to turn on her phone. I have a printed out map of the terminal that houses SouthWest Airlines. I will already know ahead of time what gate she will be at. And I will be able to guide her to where she is to go. I already also know where the eating places are, restrooms, etc so even though I am up here in Utah, I will still be connected. Second plan...I have written out a brief note that Dani can hand to any airline personnel that briefly explaines who I am, that my daughter is FASD and she needs help finding her gate and if that person can't help at least guide her as best as possible. But I am hoping more for the phone call. Thank God for cell phones. She has a preloaded debit card that is all her own, case in her wallet, some hiding for the trip back and some for when she gets there. Then there is the emergency medical treatment card, that's all done and since my husband and I will be in the mountains, my oldest daughter will be our representative until we are located.

So I think I've got all the bases covered. My sweet husband asked if I will be able to relax once she is on the plane and my response? Hell yes! That is until the time comes when she leaves, which we will be on our way home from camping. Wish us luck!

I Knew It...I Knew It...I KNEW IT!

2010-06-14T18:45:00.000-06:00

Well, I knew it, like I mentioned before, just when things are going good, and I mean real good, I kicked right in the gut. And maybe I am taking this too hard because I knew it would happen but it doesn't make it any easier.

Over the weekend I went to Costco and bought two tubs of the most delicious pasta salad. It's one of Dani's favorite snack foods...anyway, she gobbled the first container and I told her she wasn't to have any of the second one, leaving it for dad and I. Today being Monday, the funds are pretty limited right now and Dani had made a list of things she needed for her upcoming trip to California and we needed some groceries. I gave her a choice, food or her stuff, she choose stuff. So we are on our way home from the craft store and she asks what is for dinner, I said "what a minute, you had your choice, food or stuff and you choose stuff". She said "oh, that's right". I said "besides there is chicken and pasta still at home...there still is pasta right?" She said "well dad had some this morning and he said the noodles were brown and for me to throw it away." I called dad and he said he didn't even have any but noticed that Dani was snacking on it last night...after I went to bed. So, when we pulled into the driveway I checked the garbage and sure enough, the container was there and just a little was left in the container, the noodles looked great. I had just spent close to $50.00 on her to get her on her trip and she lied to me. Now I understand that lying is a part of the FASD world, but come on...I was sooo looking forward to having some pasta and chicken. Talk about feeling like a "SUCKER"! So right now, I am not even talking to her, I don't know what to say! I knew what reality dictates but it doesn't take away the feelings a parent has when the other shoe drops. So can I just say "I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PLANE TO LEAVE FRIDAY MORNING" And it will be five wonderful days with just my husband.

To Be Young Again...

2010-06-12T21:29:00.000-06:00

This is Danielle and two of my granddaughters, Kaitlyn and Kyla. We just arrived at the Tree House in Ogden. The Tree House is a different version of the children's museum. I've never been there since they moved it and renovated, it was quite awesome. There was so much activity today and so much to see, the kids were really excited. I enjoyed being mom and grandma, just walking around, taking pictures and looking at the smiles on the kids faces.

Of course this gave Danielle a chance to let her hair down and not worry so much about being 15 years old. Here she is being creative as always with drawing dinosaurs.

Danielle thought this was cool a way to get in connection with her African/American ancestry. Actually, Danielle loves anything that has to do with music. When we were done, we all went out for ice cream. But before we got to the Tree House we spent some time at Costco, not only doing some shopping but also getting a hot dog/drink/or pizza for lunch.

WOW! What's That Smell?

2010-06-11T20:49:00.001-06:00

After a long day at work, and I mean long, on the way home I kept going over in my mind what was in my freezer to make for dinner. There was the usual phone calls from Dani asking when I would be home and I gave the usual answer..."You'll see me when you see me". But when I walked into the house and deposited my shoes and belongings, Dani had me sit down on the couch, she gave me the Wii remote and said "Relax mom, I'm cooking dinner". My first thought was "oh, oh...what did she do now?" But I was wrong...she had a wonderful conversation with her brother Aaron during the day and feeling pretty good about herself. And I have to admit...dinner was VERY GOOD! She made her own rendition of Chicken Alfredo.

There has been a big change in Dani ever since her relationship with her dad has improved and then this new fresh relationship with her brother. That big hole that was festering in her soul is healing. But we are still taking things one day at a time because this could be the "high" before the "low". Everything happens in cycles with these FASD kids, at least in the older group I've found.

Tomorrow we are spending sometime in the afternoon with my granddaughters (Dani's nieces) at "The Tree House" in Ogden. It's like a children's museum...but better. This is where Dani can let her teenage years melt away and be the kid that she tries so hard to contain. Makes me sad to see that because society dictates how a person should act, even with disabilities. So I am looking forward to letter her hair down, literally!

Sad Day...Happy Day...

2010-06-09T11:32:00.000-06:00

Ever since our first contact with Danielle's brother, Aaron, I have been communicating a lot with his case worker in Texas with the high hopes of somehow, someway, Aaron could come home to us. Especially since Aaron should have never gone down to his Great-Grandma's in the first place...that in itself is along sad story. But to make a long story short, in talking to his case worker yesterday (which she has received a promotion, way to go Heather) and is moving on, she had to refer me to her supervisor, which of course I wrote the same familiar email as I did for Heather in the beginning but tweeked it a little since Dani and I have been talking to Aaron. But I was told that the placement that has started needs to continue, this family has come in and choosen Aaron and they are excited. And Aaron needs to go to that family, even though there are family ties with us, mainly his little sister. My heart and soul is crying, not only for the loss of my little boy 10-11 years ago, but the loss again today. Which is ok! I told her that I would not get in the way of the placement and pray that things will work out but if somewhere down the road it doesn't to place call me. She said she would. So now it is our job to encourage Aaron to get to know his new family and get involved and that Dani isn't going anywhere...then why do I feel like crap? I guess I will just have to practice what I preach..."FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT!". And if Aaron's new parents ever read this...you all have my support and prayers.

The communication between Aaron and Dani has been so wonderful! Seldom does he ask for me but once and that was to cry a little on my shoulder that some kids were teaching him...calling him "slow". Luckily I knew how to handle that because of the challenges I have with Danielle. But the main point is that Danielle has blossomed and she feels like that hole in her soul is filled. How wonderful is that? And I am sure Aaron feels the same way.

Kumbaya My Lord...Kumbaya!

2010-06-07T17:43:00.000-06:00

I am singing this little song to calm myself down, which I am pretty proud of myself at this momen. It is so tough to have a teen-ager home for the summer, especially since I have to work. How do you mom's survive with staying home with your kids...are there federally funded programs out there that I am not aware of? If there are, please share, I would love to be home with my teen! How do you survive on one income!

One of our rules is that Dani has to have her chores done by the time I get home. Especially extra good today since she wanted to go to Old Navy for her bathing suit and then hang at the mall with a friend. I did my inspection and the kitchen counters were not clean, pots and pans will soaking, dirty dishes on the one counter, trash barrel not even taken out to the curb...need I say more? Then she gets all mad at me, raising her voice that she doesn't understand why I judged her and why I get away with leaving some dishs in the sink. I tried to explain to her (and this is where I am proud of myself because I did not raise my voice) that when she works a 10 hour a day job then maybe I can be more relaxed about things, but since she is home all day, sittin' on her butt, watching TV then she can take more time to do the jobs right. But she can not compare herself to me since I am 52 and she is just 15 years old. This is where I put our plan of action into play. I calmly asked her to go to her room, saying this was not a punishment but a time out for me. Her reply..."I don't have to". Second time I calmly repeated myself, her reply..."why don't you"? Third time, calmly still, I said "this is your last chance, either go to your room or get in the car and we are going to McKay Dee Hospital. She got up, stormed away while throwing her purse at me. She did finally go into her room, I picked up the purse and unlocked my bedroom door and as I was placing her purse into my room, she said "don't you dare put my purse into your room" (screaming at me again). That's when I closed and locked the door and walked away. She went into her room and slammed her door and I mean slam. Everything vibrated!

The main point here is I used our plan that my husband and I came up with and agreed on. My blood pressure did rise just a little but not much and I am feeling pretty calm, but wondering what is coming next. So as you can guess, no Old Navy and no hanging at the mall. Too bad...so sad!

A Vampire Waiter?

2010-06-04T19:57:00.001-06:00

In my conversation with Aaron a few days ago, he was relating some of his happy memories and this picture was one of them. He remembered dressing up as a "Vampire Waiter". The waiter part was the red apron his sister Brenna loaned him for the night. He was so cute, he acted the part too!

Family....

2010-06-04T07:36:00.000-06:00

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh excuse me please' was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me to; I wasn't waching for you."

We were very polite this strange and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My daughter stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked her down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

She walked away, her little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse".

"Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll see some flowers there

by the door...those are the flowers she picked for you. She

picked them herself; pink, yellow and blue."

"She stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never

saw the tears that filled her little eyes"

By this time, I felt very small and now my tears

began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by her bed; "wake up little one,

wake up", I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

She smiled and said, "I found 'em out by the tree. I picked 'em

because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em

especially the blue."

I said "Honey, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't

have yelled at you that way."

She said "Oh, Mom, that's okay I love you anyway".

I said "Honey, I love you too, and I do love the flowers, especially the blue".

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that

we work for could easily replace us in a matter of days?

But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, if we pour ourselves more into work

than into our own family, it would be unwise investment indeed,

don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou

Appointment Day and Random Thoughts!

2010-06-02T20:12:00.001-06:00

Today was our follow up doctor appointment with Dani's psychiatrist. I think this was one of her best visits. Her meds are doing good, Dani is a regular sassy teenager! Just time to do some blood work, which she loves! Especially since we make it a tradition to go to Einstein Bagels after for breakfast. But the best thing was Dani sharing her conversation she had with her brother. Dani's doctor is the one who diagnosed Aaron in the first place all those years ago as being BiPolar and she just couldn't get over the picture I showed her. How handsome he is and how much they look alike. I still can't get over it myself.

But with the connection between brother and sister, there was so much healing for Dani and I am sure there was for Aaron, the missing puzzle piece has been found. Dani feels so much more at peace with herself. I know that feeling all to well, I was adopted when I was a couple of months old myself, I know that feeling all to well of not belonging. I am one of those kids that found my natural mother when I turned 18. And the peace I felt then is what I am sure what Dani is feeling today and along with Aaron. In talking to his case worker, she said he was esctatic and feeling better about things.

So, where do we go from here? Not sure...hopefully we will meet up, secretly I am hoping his new adoption doesn't go through, I would love to have him come home...but it's in the Lord's hands now!

This is for you Aaron!

2010-06-01T20:24:00.000-06:00

These are just a few pictures I found so far with Aaron, Danielle and family. I have another box with more pictures in them and it's in storage so I'll find it. But thought you might like to see these pictures.

So that everyone knows who reads my blog...we talked to Aaron today. In fact he mainly talked to his little sister Danielle. I could not believe how wonderful it was talking to him and how much he sounds like Danielle. I know that these two making that connection has done wonders for both of them. I was also amazed at the memories he still has, he remembered things I had forgotten about, for instance, in his first soccer game, he made a goal, but it went into the wrong goal...but we were still very proud of him. And the green eggs I made one St. Patrick's Day...he said he can't eat eggs ever since then. Of course he asked me the questions that are dreaded, like why did we give him up? Why did I keep Dani and not him, very hard questions that he deserved to have the answers to.

So where do we go from here? He has our phone number at home, he is allowed to call three times a week and Dani to call him, and we will take it step by step. God is good, I feel very blessed these two kids were able to reconnect after 12 years.

Danielle's New Blog...

2010-05-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

Dani wanted me to let everyone know that she has updated her blog. It's been awhile but she is up and running again. It's at lifewithfasd.blogspot.com

Fun Fantastic Day...Good Day for Dad and Daughter (and mom too)

2010-05-29T20:43:00.000-06:00

First off, I need to say a big THANK YOU to Mark Casem at Comcast for coming to my rescue! I don't know really know how he read my message but he called me the next day and worked with me until I had a Comcast young man name Aaron come this morning to fix me up. Now I have my internet back and I am just over joyed, now I can get back into the swing of blogging more often. Doing it at work was not very fun, didn't have much time to do it. Now I can stop once in a while, think about what I am going to say and then...you know the rest. Thank you Mark again!

Today was so fun. We went ATVing as a family, our first outing for the season, but it was still pretty cold. In fact it was raining along with snowing but a lot of fun. My sweet husband has been trying real hard to see Danielle in a different light and Danielle has been trying so hard to understand her dad and low and behold...it's working. They are communicating a lot better, they actually want to spend time together, it's a wonderful sight to see. I know...I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and that's okay, everything can't be perfect all the time. But after we got home today, I was so chilled to the bone, I came in for a hot shower and dad and daughter worked together putting things away...then Dani surprised me by washing off my mud caked car. Now I am totally exhausted...good night!

Summer...The Word that Strikes Fear In The Hearts of All Mothers!

2010-05-28T07:05:00.000-06:00

Well, as of this afternoon, my daughter will officially be in high school. I consider this a big triumph, I didn't think we would make it through junior high, let alone thinking about high school. But with thanks to all her school counselors, doctors, professionals, family and friends, we are there. And she is feeling pretty good about things right now. Probably because the stress is off for a little bit. It is so extremly stressful being a teenager these days. Nothing like when I was one or when my older daughters were in high school. The kids are meaner, peer pressure is worse, you all get the picture. Last night was the 9th grade banquet, no parents invited, the teachers put this on for the graduating students. They brought in Olive Garden for dinner and the 9th graders got their yearbooks a day early. It was one of those occassions that I had to let go and trust she would make the correct decisions. And low and behold...she did great! She was so excited about her yearbook, disappointed that her school picture wasn't in there (she was at a transitional school when the pictures were taken) but excited to see her picture with the school choir.

Now...what to do for the summer. There are virtually no programs out there that would take in a 15 year old. And I definately can't afford sending her to a summer camp, so my oldest daughter Brenna and I came up with this idea. Twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, Dani has a job to do. She is to go to Brenna's and take the kids up to the school playground for an hour. But the important lesson here is that she has to get up, shower, get dress (I will provide a special little uniform or special shirt for her job), she has to be there on time, clock in and out. She will get paid for this. What I am trying to instill in her is responsibility. She wants to get a part time job when she turns 16 in December and it's time to get her prepared. Then I am going to see about her volunteering some hours are our nature center. She loves animals of all kinds. Again..instilling responsibility. Does anyone else have any ideas the would like to share? I work full time so I need to keep her semi busy.

The Search Is On!

2010-05-26T07:27:00.002-06:00

Here is an update about the State of Texas. I have contacted every phone number on their website, emailed every email address with a wonderful letter of introduction, along with pictures and those emails come back undeliverable. The phone calls get lost in the system and no one picks up. Is that a sign that I am not suppose to search for Aaron? But being the red-head that I am, I will push on. The picture was taken a year ago so things may have changed in that time, but I just need him to know that we are still here. And to offer any assistence I can with family history, etc. I have one daughter that thinks I should leave it alone, but two other daughters who think I should push as far as I can. And his sister who wants to meet him. But here are the pictures of brother and sister.

Technology Rides Off Into the Sunset...

2010-05-25T07:16:00.000-06:00

My blogging is going to be spare for about a week since I do not have internet at home. I am in a war zone with Comcast right now and I am looking for a better internet company to go with that will service the customer, not service themselfs. So, I apologize to all you blog readers out there if I don't put something down each day, but I will try each morning to send a little glip of something before I start work.

The good news? Everything so far this week has been peaceful, but that is how our house operates, its a vicious circle. Around and round and round we go, were we will stop, no body knows...isn't that the saying. So I am enjoying the peace while it lasts. But do I have to say my husband is trying really hard. We met together with Dani's counselor last Friday afternoon and really received some inlightenment (at least Mike did) about these kids with brain damage. I think he understands a little more. I have figured that I guess it takes someone else, maybe another man, to turn that light bulb on instead of hearing the bitching and complaining from your wife. But who cares as long as he gets it.

Now the shocker of the week. When we brought Dani home we brought her big brother with her. We adopted both kids, Aaron had some major problems along with showing inappropriate behavior towards his little sister. We took him back down to Texas, back to Great Grandma's and from there he went back into state custody. Haven't seen or heard about him in 12 years. Now over the weekend I received a wonderful facebook message from one of my nieces with the picture of Aaron, all grown up. My heart swelled with love for this sweet little son of mine (I still consider him my son, that's probably wrong but I can't help my heart) but sickened to know that he didn't have a very good childhood. It seems he is up for adoption again so does that mean he has been in and out of foster care all those years? Here is my problem...do I try to contact him? Do I try to contact the State of Texas or do I just let things go?

Excuse me...You said What?

2010-05-20T07:29:00.001-06:00

Last night was Danielle's spring choir concert, and for Dani it's a big thing because she worked real hard on it for the past 4-5 months. Memorizing the songs, practicing the dance steps, etc. Now I will be the first to admit that she really can't sing and she is a little delayed in her dancing but boy she puts all her heart and soul into it. So here we were sitting about the 7th row back from the stage and the kids were performing, just doing a great job and the lady behind me (I over heard her) was talking to her daughter (not really sure who she was, just another female) and she was saying "look at that girl in the green t-shirt, what business does she have being up there. She can't keep up with the steps and she just looks goofy". I could not believe my ears and I knew she was talking about my daughter because Dani was the only one wearing a green shirt. I very slowly turned around, looked her straight in the eyes and said "That goofy girl is my daughter and she has some extreme special disabilities and I know that she has practiced her little heart out for tonight. Besides, she doesn't really care if you like it or not or if you are enjoying her performance. I am proud of her and I am proud of her not giving up. Can you say that about your child?" I was floored that someone would have the "balls" to say something like that not realizing that a parent could be sitting right in ear shot. Just shows up ignorant people really are. After my defending my daughter's honor I enjoyed the rest of her performance and I have never been more proud of her. My sweet husband was able to be there. He drove straight from Greeley Colorado to Ogden Utah in 8 hours flat to be at her concert. And of course we took our landlord who we call "Grandpa". It was a wonderful evening, and after Dani had earned a huge scoop of ice cream and some special time with mom and dad. Regardless of how hard life is with these FASD kids, we need to celebrate in their little triumphs and just sit in awe at their accomplishments. I think as a parent to an FASD kid, I get more bogged down by the stresses and negative things that are going on than to stop and look at her face and see her smile. This picture is old...but the smile says it all!

God Bless You All!

Just a Quick Update...

2010-05-18T07:08:00.000-06:00

At this point in time I wish there was something exciting to post to my blog right now, but alas, there isn't. It has been just been status quo at home these past few days. Since our little run in with the three amigos (dad, dani and I) we have been doing a little better, but that is because dad had to leave the next day for Kansas. He should be on his way home from Colorado later to day so the next few days will tell. But Dani has been trying to be on her best behavior. She knows she has a lot on her plate and that there are different expectations for her now. I just hope she realizes that mom and dad are a force that can't be played with because we are the team. But we will see how long that lasts. I guess this is where mom needs to do some attitude adjusting and bending and be like a "lone reed in the wind" (one of my favorite movie lines from "You've Go Mail").

There are days when I feel I can conquer the world that my daughter lives in and then there are those days when I throw up my hands and say "whatever". I do hope you readers out there feel the same way at times, that I am not alone in this uphill battle. I want my daughter to have a fulfilling life, a life away from mom and dad, if that is possible. When I read Jodee Kulps stories and books that her FASD daughter has written, I believe there is hope for Dani. It's just getting to the finish line with my arms and hands held high in triumph! For now, I'll just keep on praying and striving, that's all I can do!

Love and hugs to all!

IEP's...They Work!

2010-05-14T07:37:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning was our awaited IEP meeting and my wonderful husband and I went together. I told Mike I needed my parenting partner and the teachers needed to hear how he felt about the whole school thing. We both agreed that Dani should not have been mainstreamed so fast from the transitional school (after she came out of the state hospital) back into the wild and crazy junior high. We think that has accelerated her mood swings and other things she is going through right now. So in talking with the team players, we found out that at Bonneville High they have their own self-contained unit to where all the classes are taught in their unit except maybe an elective like art or music. I guess they have a lot of handicapped kids, physically and mentally at that school, which is a bonus for us, because now Dani doesn't have to be mixed in with the "Big Dogs". It was also decided that Dani will be put in a leadership role, in other words helping those kids with Down Syndrome. Maybe walking them around the school, pick up trash, etc. This will help to build her self confidence. She does get pretty bored at school and when she is...then the trouble begins. We are arranging a day to go visit her new counselor (give her the scoop) and let her tour the school so we don't have any melt downs during the summer. Anxiety runs high with her if she can't visualize what she is going to do. That is a plus, basically we have the support of the whole Bonneville high staff. I guess my reputation proceeds me because the head of the unit once was one of Danielle's teachers and he knows her history...and mine. Both my husband and I felt pretty good after our meeting...time will tell!

Never Give Up...Never Surrender!

2010-05-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

Well to catch up, just a couple of days ago I had pretty much decided that my marriage was over, I just couldn't raise two children (Dani and my husband) and my blood pressure was sky high and I was cranky to beat the band. Not a very happy person! I came home Tuesday night from work, just having a huge argument with my husband, on the phone and I told him before I hung up that I was done, handing in the towel, etc. Got home, wrote out a list of my divorce plans, who gets up, etc, put it in an email ready to send my hubby. My daughter and her husband from Maryland had stopped at our place on there way to moving to California so I thought I would sit them down and tell them my news. They were shocked to say the least and it was decided that we would go to my oldest daughters house to tell them. So I proceeded to tell them my story...but I got my eyes opened up pretty good. It usually takes someone outside of myself to put my life into perspective. Not only was I overworked, extremely tired (exhausted is more like it) under appreciated and feeling pretty unloved, I was trying to take on the whole world for Danielle. The family even suggested I put Danielle in a group home so I can take care of myself instead of always her. One daughter pointed out that Danielle defines me because I go to work and come home to her, take her to her appointments, IEP's, anything she needs to go to...I'm there to do it for her. It was also observed that I protect her (mainly from the big bad wolf) and I enable her. In other words she doesn't need to take responsibility for her actions. Boy did I wake up that night.

But I was still pretty tired of being treated like poop from my husband. I still wasn't going to take it anymore. So here comes another email with all my feelings, sent it his way. Well, while he is reading this email and pondering my thoughts, I had another ah-ha moment. I was creating the problems at home. Well not all of them but a majority of them. Since he is a long-haul driver, I took on the role of mom and dad and not letting him be dad when he gets home. So he felt displaced instead of me letting him build that relationship with Danielle. So when he felt that, then his anger would come out and he would treat me and Danielle like poop.

So here is the solutions we came up with. I am meeting with Dani's counselor next week to help me with some tips on how to "let go". Then because Dani has these outbursts when she doesn't get her way, and she has said many times "I don't have to follow your rules" we as parents have three warnings we will use with her.

1) Dani go to your room. This is not a punishment but I need to cool down.
If she says no...
2) Dani please go to your room (said more firmly without raising our voices)
If she still resists...
3) Dani go get in the car or I will call South Ogden PD and they will transport you to the hospital. And be warned, if you try to run or do run away we will dial 911. It's your choice.

Her counselor today said that she may have to go back into the hospital just to be monitored, medication adjustments, etc. And this is one way of getting back into the system...let her freak out. So when Dani got home from a church activity tonight we sat her down and laid down the law. Meaning mom and dad are not leaving each other, we are team, a partnership and here are our rules. I explained the above and she said she understood but Mike and I understand and we are prepared for the manipulation, etc to start. Now tomorrow morning we have our end of school year IEP because she goes into high school next year and I am taking my partner in crime (my husband) and we are going to make some demands and changes for next year. We knew that mainstreaming her back into school would be wrong and it was. So things will be different next year. I'll let everyone know how that went tomorrow.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough, I am so thankful that I have a family who could see my situation, point it out and help me through it so I didn't loose a good man! Thank you God!

By the way, this is my husband Mike and he is holding our newest granddaughter Kamryn!

Is It Possible?

2010-05-11T07:26:00.000-06:00

Is it possible for one child/teen to ruin one's marriage? Is it possible that the child/teen can manipulate the marriage so much to where things actually fall apart between the couple? Why? Is it because I have been the main person in her life since four weeks old? Does she see my husband as a hinderance, is that what she creates these situations to where we fight all the time? My marriage is on the verge of being destroyed, we both are standing on the edge of the abyss, just waiting to be pushed off. The sad thing is that when Dani was in the state hospital for those 8 months, Mike and I were extremely happy, no fighting, we were communicating, I was getting healthy, Mike was taking care of himself while on the truck and now, life is shattered. My family has suggested a group home for her, she has turned into a liar and steals things and really can't be trusted. She yells at me...I am exhausted. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas? This is one tired mom-cat who needs some help!

Who Let the Dogs Out?...Literally!

2010-05-06T21:31:00.000-06:00

Wow...if someone would tell me that I would have the same kind of day today as I did yesterday...I would have told them they were off their rocker! But sure enough, I get home, have to go do some shopping and no sooner do I get home with Dani that the sarcasim and talking back and raising her voice at me starts all over again. But this time I had a witness. After I got tired of listening to Dani and sent her to her room, my oldest daughter and my granddaughters came over for a short visit. And while Brenna and I were talking, Dani shows her herself in her door way and starts barking at me. I asked Brenna if she heard that and the only thing she could says was "wow".

Ok...so here is my true confession and I may go to hell for saying this let alone contemplating it. School is out in a few weeks (Lord have mercy) and June 18th-22nd, Dani is going to California while my husband and I take our annual anniversary trip. But here is where the confession comes into play...I want to send her away for the summer, literally! I am at my wits ends, my marriage is in the toilet, my self esteem is literally not there, no energy, my fibromyalgia hits me harder, faster and longer. I definately don't get the sleep that my mind body and soul needs. I've been asked several times through out the years if I had know I would go through this, would I still bring that baby home, and my answer is always "YES". But at this moment I am second guessing it. So, does this make me a bad mom? I have always taught my parents in our classes that it is okay to be angry, sometimes even hate your child (the behaviors) but it is hard for me to take my own medicine.

So when I titled this post as "Who let the dogs out?" All I feel like is we bark at each other and get no where. Just a vicious cycle, over and over and over again! It just chaps my hide when Dani gets mad at me, goes to her room then within 30 minutes, like clock work, she comes out saying she is sorry, but 30 minutes isn't enough time for me to wind down and think it through. Oh well...

Skooled by a 15 Year Old?

2010-05-04T17:41:00.001-06:00

There is nothing like coming home from a long day at work and getting a lecture from my 15 year old. But not only that, she has this thing about calling me every 15 minutes, while I am driving to see where I am. That helps her gage how much time she has before I am home and her chores had better be done. But I've got smart. I don't call her when I leave work, I wait for about 15 minutes, then call her. When she calls I say I am somewhere else than where I really am. I like the surprise attacks myself.

But today was different. I didn't get the calls every 15 minutes, actually just one call. The one call was when I was just around the corner and she knew she was caught. She confessed she still had to put the dishes away and bring in the big trash barrel from the street. But the thing that started the ball rolling was her wearing make-up. We have a rule that she does not wear the heavy eye make-up, you know the big black eye liner. I asked her about it and she said she got it from a friend at school. I then asked her where her phone was and she started screaming "NO!". I gently reminded her of the rule and consequence...then I get lectured on how unreasonable I am, how I don't ever listen, how I always interrupt her, and the tirade goes on and on. While she is doing that I am still walking around the house, picking up stuff, starting the laundry. I have to show that I am not emotionally involved because then my blood pressure starts to rise. Well, I calmly found her phone, put it in my bedroom and locked the door. She said some more things and then walked out the door. I am sorry to say, I actually felt some relief when she walked out. How sad and pathetic is that? I ask myself every single day, how much longer can I do this? I don't know!

About 15 minutes later she comes back in while I am typing this blog post and sits down on the couch, with a grumpy face and all and asks me "did you stop and get some bread?" I said "No...I came home to find some money (tomorrow is payday) and was deciding which was more important, bread or cough syrup because her coughing at night is keeping me up". I told her definately the bread is not on the list because of how she just treated me. So now she is in tears, saying she is sorry and tries to say "sometimes I just wish...never mind". She says I talk and talk and never let her talk, she never gets a word in when it's her that keeps it going. I stop because I refuse to get into a battle of wills.

Well, now as I am still typing she is still going on and on and on, repeating the same things. Is this normal? Do I stop her or do I just keep letting her ramble? Is there a right way to parent?

Stop the World...I want to get off!

2010-05-03T21:46:00.000-06:00

Today at work, we've had some major changes which created a very stressful day. I work about 40 minutes from home, which is no big deal for me, seeing that I am from the land of long commutes (Los Angeles). But the drive down in the morning is to gear myself up for the long day ahead, but the drive home is for me to unwind and get my mind and heart where it belongs...hopefully. Bless Dani's heart, she always can tell as soon as I walk into the house when I've had a bad day, because she immediately gets on her chores, and asks me if she could fix me something to eat! What an angel. With all the problems, tantums, meltdowns, etc. there is this sweet angel floating around my home trying to take care of her mama, when I am the one who should be taking care of her. There are so many times I wish I didn't have to work, to be home with her, to be her champion and get the education out there about alcohol and pregnancy, but like I said, I have to work and that's okay, I work for a wonderful company. But I am at the point in my life that I am craving peace, like I am sure we all are.

Well...Who da' Thunk!

2010-04-30T07:19:00.000-06:00

Last night was interesting to say the least. Both my husband and I learned something new about Dani. For the past couple of weeks we have known that my husband's son is graduating from college today and the whole family (my husband's side of the family) will be making the trek down to Provo. And Dani for the most part was excited to see her brothers. But last night when we started talking about what time we needed to get up, etc she started having a melt down saying she had to go to school...she couldn't miss school. We both tried to calm her down, even tried sending her to her room because during that meltdown, our grandchildren were over with mom and dad, didn't want to upset the rest of the family. So Dani makes her last proclamation that she wasn't going and that's that. After some thinking and dicsussion with my husband we both came to the same conclusion that there was something she was avoiding, something was scaring her. She doesn't do very well in big crowds so we thought that was the answer. Well come to find out this morning when I woke her up at 4:30am (my eyes were barely open) she confided in me that she didn't want to be around dad's ex-wife. Everytime we were in a setting that the ex was involved in, she somehow made what we call a "zinger" at Dani, making some kind of rude remark and with Dani's obsessiveness, she mulls that over in her mind over and over until it makes her sick and the meltdown was her way of telling us "hell no I won't go". So dad and I didn't force the issue with her, we areed with her and let her go to school. Besides that she has solo try outs today in choir and she didn't want to miss that. It just strikes me funny how these kids bring a voice to their fears. It's definately not rational but it is the best they can do isn't it.

Words of Comfort and Joy!

2010-04-28T17:51:00.000-06:00

I finally figured out today why I blog. At first I thought it was to help educate others who are going through what I am going through...to reach out there, but there is another reason! It's so that my blogger friends can reach out to me. You all are teaching me, inspiring me, and encourging me and I do so appreciate it. One true blogger friend emailed me back this morning giving me some loving advice which I am taking. I have made up a binder for my husband to take on the road with him. It is full, and I mean full, of articles of every aspect of the FASD world. I just hope he will take it with him on the road and that he will at least open it up. I thought about even going through the articles and highlightening the important parts, since he doesn't like to read to begin with. But if I simplify it hopefully he will take an interest in it. So thank you my dear friend for your advice. And by the way...I have said many times "Hey...who is the adult and who is the child...I feel like I am babysitting here because both of you are acting like children"! That didn't get me very far, just a very upset husband. Oh well, I will forge on.

I want to say something here...my husband is not an animal nor is he a bad guy. In reality, he is really a fantastic, loving man with a HUGE heart. He married me with four daughters when he raised boys, not girls so this is a different world to him. And then he marries a woman (me) who has a daughter with special needs. That's got to be hard. And please...I am not making excuses for his behavior either, theres just another side of him. But I think as parents and marriage partners or any kind of partners, we are all striving for happiness, no matter what kind of family we have, no matter what color we all are or the ages, we all crave two basic needs...LOVE and HAPPINESS!

Emotional Cleanup!

2010-04-27T21:21:00.000-06:00

I don't know what is worse, the actual fighting in a family or the aftermath where we are all licking our wounds from the harsh and mean words that have been said. In my family you could swear your are watching a tennis match, back and forth...back and forth! But the unfortunate thing...no one wins. For me I can pretty well numb myself up from the angry words but for my Dani...not so easy. She gets more clingy, very emotional, needing those little checks from mom that let's her know that she is okay. So I called mental health today to get her back into counseling and her counselor is out for a while, had heart surgery (God bless her) so we get a new counselor...a guy! Dani has for along time trust issues with...guys. Been hurt and let down so many times in the past, was even hard for her to open up to her male counselor when she was at the state hospital. But she surprised me by saying "that's okay mom, I can handle it".

So next week starts a new challenge to start getting her back on the right path again. I just wish I could stop and take a breather and get my sanity together...someday!

Usual Venting...Got to Get it Off my Chest!

2010-04-27T07:17:00.000-06:00

Why is it so hard for men, not all men, to understand a child/teen's disabilities, problems, stressors, etc. Why do some men feel it is okay to constantly put down and let that child/teen know there faults and try to hold them to higher standards when they themselfs can't do it? We all know, as parents to these special kids, that we can not hold these kids to the normal standards/rules, whatever we want to call them as an adult or a kid without these challenges. My husband for one is famous for making sure Danielle knows what she has done wrong, drills it into her to the point of her being in tears and saying things like "maybe it's better that I am not here"! What kind of man would drive his daughter to say something like that? When we have had doctors, psychologists/psychiatrists, counselors tell us both...that being a parent to a child with FASD is a challenge and to throw those damn parenting books out the window. I understand it, I even teach this to other parents but he just doesn't get it. So now, I am where several mothers are at this point in time...what do I do? What do I do?

Miracles Do Happen...It Happened Today!

2010-04-22T20:31:00.000-06:00

Well...for months...no...for years I have tried to get Dani to clean her room, not just shove stuff under her bed but deep clean her room. I don't know what got under her skin today but I came home and she was so excited about something, she was bouncing off the walls. When I opened my car door Dani was right there asking if she could help with anything. I said "no honey, I'm fine but thanks for asking". She dragged me into the house, had me close my eyes and directed me to her room and as soon as she told me to open my eyes...it was like the angels were singing, it was one of those "AH..." moments. I was so surprised, I was speechless...but the look on her face was priceless. So let me sum it up...1) Long day at work 2) Too tired to move 3) Dani's face when she showed me her room? Priceless!

Excellent Article Everyone Should Read!

2010-04-18T13:44:00.000-06:00

I borrowed this article from a fellow blogger which I feel is extremely important to read and get the message out there to the public about drinking and being pregnant.

Guest editorial: Behavior problem can be detected
By Carolyn Szetela, Ph.D., and Roger Zoorob, M.D., MPH • April 18, 2010

The recent news of a 7-year-old boy adopted from Russia and returned to his home country because of alleged behavioral problems calls to mind a new family struggling to find the routine, comfort and acceptance that helps most families function.

Whether a child is adopted, foster parented or raised by biological parents, children with significant behavioral problems should be evaluated for alcohol-related birth disorders, called fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD).

Alcohol is a teratogen, meaning that it can cause birth defects in the developing fetus. The level of risk is higher when alcohol is used in higher quantities and at critical times of fetal development. In the United States as well as Russia, the use of alcohol during pregnancy is common, and many pregnant women are not aware of the risks.

In the United States, about one out of every 10 women report drinking in the past month of pregnancy, and about one out of 25 pregnant women reports binge drinking of five or more drinks per occasion in the past month.

Children who have experienced foster care have higher rates of FASD. This may contribute to the findings of a recently announced Swedish study that more than half of 71 children adopted from Eastern European countries were affected by FASD.

Often overlooked problem

FASD is often overlooked and presents differently in every affected child and adult. It can manifest in mild to severe learning, mental, behavioral and/or physical disabilities. Children who are affected and their families often go through their lives without understanding the cause of their struggles to function and fit in, and without access to the interventions to help them manage.

While there is no single blood test or psychological screen that can tell if a person is affected, trained health professionals can typically identify when FASD is present and propose strategies and interventions for doing better. Meharry Medical College is host to the Southeastern FASD Regional Training Center, which urges more public attention to this health issue and trains health providers to identify and help manage the disorder.

It is not appropriate to offer an "armchair diagnosis" of the child spotlighted in the Russian adoption case, and multiple causes may influence any behavioral problems he may have. However, an FASD evaluation should be part of any child's health evaluation for persistent cognitive, developmental or behavioral challenges.

Parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances, and parenting high-needs children is sometimes overwhelming. When FASD is present, the question of blame is irrelevant. Acknowledging the possibility of FASD is an opportunity for the child and parents to understand the child's difficulties and help restore their best potential.

And one more thing: If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, remember that alcohol is a known teratogenic drug that targets the developing baby's brain. No mother wants to harm her child. FASDs are 100 percent preventable.

Carolyn Szetela, Ph.D., and Roger Zoorob, M.D., MPH are based at Meharry Medical College and the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders South East Regional Training Center.

Resistence is Futile!

2010-04-18T08:21:00.001-06:00

Here's my Sunday morning so far:

"Dani...time to get up (as her alarm is going off)"

"No" (major whining)

"Dani...time to get up and get ready for church!...Now!"

"Noooo"

Five minutes later - "Dani...you made me a promise last night if I let you stay up a little later"

"I did not make a promise...now leave me alone"

"Well then, I guess your trip to California is off"

"Oooook, I'm up (as she is grumbling all the way to the bathroom"

What a wonderful way to start a Sunday. When Dani was at the State Hospital a couple of years ago now, during one of our counseling sessions, we discussed rules in our house that were not negotable. And going to church was one of them. So, if she views me as the "Borg" and that I am trying to assimilate her, then let the games begin! Happy Sunday everyone!

Footnote: As far as the picture of the daisy goes...I just love the flower, it's one of the happiest flowers out there besides the sunflower, which is another one of my favorites. Just wanted to give this cranky post a cheerful feel!

What Are Our Children Learning???

2010-04-17T20:36:00.000-06:00

Today was an interesting day when it comes to conversations. My husband and I belong to a family that are strong supporters of "The Constitution", "The Bill of Rights", etc. We read, or I should say I read, my husband listens while he drives books about our founding Fathers. We love our country and what it stands for. Dani got involved in this conversation and she had real no idea who our first presidents were. What she knew was from what she learned from the movie "National Treasure". Come to find out, and in looking at her school history book, the kids are not being taught American history. So with that said, we spent a wonderful afternoon reading "The Constitution" and talking about it. Now...the test will be if she remembers what we talked about. But then again, it wasn't about the learning, it was all about spending the time together in discussion instead of arguing or having one of those FASD meltdowns. Or dad and Dani butting heads, to see who gets the last word, etc. Usually when we have these kinds of discussions, Dani gets mad and frustrated because she always feels she is right and mom and dad don't have a clue! But today, it was wonderful!

Technical Difficulties!

2010-04-16T21:59:00.000-06:00

HELP! Somehow, someway, I lost my background and I am not able to put another one on. I've tried everything so please bear with me and my format. I am not a big fan of this one but until I figure this out...here I am.

Down Memory Lane...

2010-04-16T20:13:00.000-06:00

After my last post I decided to look at some old photos stored on my hard-drive and found just a few of my favorites.

This photos i when her dad and I bought this little four-wheeler for her to help boost her confidence in something. Her driving our big Polaris was fun and all but not very safe for her because of her lack of strength in her hands. We nicked-named this little machine "shortie". And shortly after that, Dani received the honorary name of "Crash". I think the name says it all!

The picture was taken on top of Ben Lomand Mountain up from Willard Bay, Utah. This was one of Dani's weekend's home from the hospital. Went ATVing with my brother in law and his wife. It was cold, rainy and windy and we took part in a rescue that didn't end good. But Dani was a trooper through it all.

I especially love the last picture. Dani has a love for horses. She so wanted to learn to ride so her dad and I signed her up for lessons. The look of joy on her face is something I haven't seen in a long time. But alas...the next time she went riding, her horse, named "Red" stepped on her foot, scaring her from riding again. But she still loves horses. She has a great collection.

Taking a Deep Breath...

2010-04-16T19:09:00.000-06:00

It's Friday...I would like to take a moment and say "Thank God"! I am extremly blessed right now because Dani is at a school dance until about 9pm and I am sitting on my recliner, feet up, no TV or radio on, no noise but my dog snoring. And I am instant messaging back and forth with my wonderful daughter in Maryland. This feels so good...I almost feel guilty. Tomorrow is catch-up day. Been so busy with work and Dani drama that I've neglected my home...and myself. Laundry that needs to be folded, my own personal bed (this is embarrassing) I washed the sheets last weekend but haven't made the bed yet. How tacky is that? I just wish I could hire someone to come in and do a deep cleaning for me. I use to be such a fanatic over a clean house, it was the way I was raised you see, but with raising three daughters then Dani arrived when my youngest was 8 yrs old, other priorities took over. Then I deal with the "Bad Mommy, Bad Housewife" syndrome and then I say to myself..."OH WELL"!

Disgusted and Angry! Disclaimer...This is just my opinion!

2010-04-15T19:36:00.000-06:00

I have to vent here just a little bit. The more I hear about this so called mother, who adopted this boy from Russia, the more upset I get. What kind of a society do we live in? We have become so disposable, not just our food, garbage, marriages, well you get the picture...but all of a sudden our society is beginning to dispose of children! Oh my goodness...little Johnny is having some behavioral problems, I think I'll just blame it on the country, even his birth parents, oh no better yet the people who let me adopt him. I think all us parents who have adopted probably feel the same revulsion. Adoption to me is no different than giving birth. Even in adoption there are labor pains (to me it's the whole legal process) and then once the judge signs the paper...tah-dah...a child is born and a family is created! :)

When I took Danielle out of her birth mother's arms and announced that this child was mine now...I had no idea what was in store with this child, had no idea what was in her DNA grab-bag. But it didn't matter I chose to be her mother. Let me say that again, it's so profound..."I CHOSE TO BE HER MOM"! Whew that felt good...so enough of my ranting. Hats off to all us adoptive parents who have stuck through the behavior problems, the mental illness, the disabilities, all the sleepless nights, the phone calls to the counselors, the doctor appointments, the constant worry about that child's future, etc...all because we believe we can make a difference in one or more child's life and shame on those people who think children with problems are disposable.

A Better World Today...

2010-04-14T17:41:00.000-06:00

Today is a much better day. I also figured out that Dani hasn't been getting the sleep she so desperately needs. When she first arrived in our family, she didn't sleep. Oh she would sleep for a couple of hours here and there but otherwise she would be wide awake, angry at the world. Little did we know that she was suffering from withdrawls. It all makes sense now. So...my husband and I have to make sure she gets to bed on time so she can sleep at least 12hrs a night. If it's less than 8...then we are in trouble. So the past couple of nights I have made sure she has gotten to bed by 8pm, no later and surprisingly she is doing so much better. There something to be said about sleep. Now...if only I could get some restful sleep, then this would be such a happy household! :)

Which brings me to another subject...summer! The mere mention of the word brings terror in the hearts and souls of parents...especially in mine. Since Dani is 15 there are no daycares that would accomodate her and her older sister just had her third daughter so I am not about to barge into her life with babysitting issues. Yes, Dani can help with the kids but after while things can get stressful because Dani can be as loud and playful as a regular 6 year old. So...here is my problem...I work full time (have to)...does anyone have any ideas on what to do with my teen during the summer months? I am all ears!

A Commercial Break...

2010-04-13T07:33:00.000-06:00

For those of you who read my blog's and wonder if this behavior is all normal...I have this to say...Yes! Just right around when spring starts, and that is usually in March, a child/teen with FASD and who may have also secondary disorders to go along with it like Bipolar/ADHD etc, the behaviors become irratic. Emotions run high (especially in girls who are maturing) tempers flare easily, you name it it happens. And along with that it is the wind down of school...so everyone, and I mean everyone is all keyed up. Which doesn't help the child/teen who is affected by these disorders. So, if you are one of my readers, please don't turn and run the other way and think that my household is so dysfunctional, what the heck is this mother doing, etc. I am normal, Dani is normal and this will all pan out real soon. It always does. By the time school is out and she can breath without the stress of being around so many kids, the pressures of work, etc...she will be fantastic and I will be able to breath easier. Just know that my prayers and thoughts are out there with you all and if I could give one piece of advice to any parent who faces these challenges...please take care of yourself emotionally...physically...and spiritually. Because without God's hand in your life and without the proper care, things are much harder. Peace be with you all!

I Need A Time-Out...Again!

2010-04-12T21:58:00.000-06:00

Whew!!! And I need to take a deep breath. I don't know what is worse, having a headache that won't go away or dealing with an explosive teen. After a good weekend...I knew it was too much for her. We had a major melt-down tonight. First I caught her in my room...again taking a couple of my rings after telling me to my face that she didn't. But the worse part is...I was sitting in the livingroom and I heard her talking. Thought maybe she was talking to herself. Then I heard her say that she was working a double shift last Thursday and then a triple shift on Friday. Then and there I felt her reality was a little off base. So I went by her bedroom door and listened some more...she was talking to one of her friends and she started telling her that this guy she knows comes over after school to watch TV but they never get to the TV part. Well, I am one of those mom's that has to work away from home so she is by herself for about an hour and a half before I get home. I walked right into her room, took that phone away and told her she just lost her phone for a very long time. That phone is for emergencies only. Then she blew up, she started packing her bags, screaming at me that I don't love her that all I want to do is get rid of her that she hates my f(#)(#*&$ face and she is running away to her sisters in California. Whoa...time out here. Let's check reality...something is wrong and in talking with my husband tonight, it's always around this time of the year she looses it. Stay tuned for more details. We'll see if we make it through the night before the police are called or I take her up to the hospital. This is the hardest part of being a parent to a child/teen with any kind of mental illness or emotional illness.

"Faith Will See Us Through"

2010-04-11T21:34:00.000-06:00

I really don't have anything to report that has to do with the title of this blog but I just liked it. I have this saying on my livingroom wall...and it says it all in times of happiness and trials! But this weekend was a good weekend for us. A lot of activities which usually sends a child with FASD over board...but Dani handled it really well. I think I found the combination or the secret to calming her down...it's talking in softer tones when there is so much activity and putting her in charge or something...anything. We spent the day Saturday at her niece's first soccer game of the season and then we all went down to Salt Lake to the aquarium. I put her in charge of watching her little niece and follow her, make sure she didn't get into any trouble and Dani did a wonderful job. I am proud of her. But by the end of the day she was pretty exhausted. But she was a champ...proud of her!

Shopping with FASD...Oh My!

2010-04-06T20:57:00.000-06:00

Have you ever tried going shopping, for yourself, with your child or teen who has FASD? I forgot what it was like, it's been awhile, only because by the time I get home from work, I am totally exhausted. Well tonight I had a little extra energy and decided to go to a couple of places. Laying out the plans and expectations with Danielle. Ok, we're off to a good start, but while I am looking around she comes up to me and asks about taxes. Ok, harmless question, no problem. Then minutes later she starts with the compulsive thinking and saying over and over again, not in rapid succession but within minutes of each statement..."I just need to save up for five weeks and I can get this!" And then the next store, she found something else to fixate on, and then the same statements begins again. By the time we get home I am mentally exhausted. Then the bomb shell...right before she goes to bed...

"Mom...can I ask you a question?"

"Sure honey, what is it?"

"Can I have a raise in my allowance?"

"Why, what's up honey?"

"I want to get those things I saw tonight"

So I told her I had to think about it and figure out how much is a good raise. She said she wanted $10 a week, again I told her I would have to think on it. So...I guess I will go think about it!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T20:38:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day for my family. Started with the traditional Easter breakfast consisting of pancakes, bacon, strawberries, orange juice for the adults and special juice drinks for the grandkids. There were special baskets for the granddaughters, Dani got a new Easter dress (which she looks gorgeous in) and I got some important time with my family. Couldn't ask for better times. Then my daughter Brenna and her husband Jason went home for the Easter Bunny to hide the eggs, went there for the hunt. Fun times. Then Dani and I went out to dinner, we both didn't feel up to cooking and my husband is in California for a delivery. Then we laid back all day. Good day...no problems...no complaints! Hope everyone's day was good too~

Frustrated Mom!

2010-03-28T20:47:00.000-06:00

Here's a question...how do we know, as parents, what is really the actions of the disability or is it really being a teenager? I have been faced lately with blatant lying. There are times I don't know how to handle it and there are days I rationalize that this is the FASD that is speaking loud and clear. Today we had a melt down, she had lied to me twice, things that are important to me and then we got into a huge argument that ended in her tears and crying that she hates herself, she hates the color of her skin, she has a big nose, that she hates coming from two different colored parents and wishes her life was different. I got out my photo album out and we looked at the pictures of her growing up, from the time she became my daughter, she looked at the pictures of her and her sisters and she realized that her skin is just like her sisters. And so our conversation came to a conclusion that she has gotten too involved in trying to be too much like her girlfriends at school, with all the make up and stuff, she gave me her make up and we are going back to basics and she is going to look for that girl that came out of the State Hospital a couple of years ago...we will see how it goes.

Time to Catch-Up!

2010-03-23T18:51:00.000-06:00

Whew!!!! What a whirl-wind of activities, doctor's appointments, drama with Danielle, a wonderful visit from my daughter in California. Finished another six week course of "From Hope to Recovery" that I co-teach, each time I am finished with the class, I learn something more and I meet the most amazing people. Parents like all of us who have children with similar to different disabilities. So many parents who are out there crying out for help and mainly for information, especially when these kids turn 15 and time is a ticking away to get them ready for the big 18. Where are the resources, who do they call, what steps are there to take. I did what I could do, give what information I have and I am still trying to get things together.

Now I have another situation, dealing with Dani's school. I have never been so livid in my life!!!! Dani has a cell phone that has a GPS on it so I can keep track of her as she walks home (I'm at work during this time). She took it out of her back-pac and the teacher thought she was texting, which she wasn't because she doesn't have that capability on her phone. To make a long story short, they would not give it back to her, even after I emailed her resource teachers, talked with the vice principle, etc. Their policy is a parent needs to come to school to pick it up. So I told them someone better be there when I get there after 5pm. I raised holy "hell". I emailed a long letter to the principle, vice principle and all her teachers that because of one teachers poor judgement they were putting my daughter in harms way, especially a daughter who does not have good judgement and who is impulsive. Then I get a call from the principle himself. He was standing by their policy and not going to budge and I said "what is to protect my daughter as she walks home today? If something happens to her I am personally holding the school accountable". Another long story short, the school police officer took her home and I had to come after work to get her phone. I was ready to go to the school district...and I still might.

The picture above are my daughters and my granddaughters in Salt Lake. From left to right, Granddaughter Kaitlyn, my oldest daughter Brenna, granddaughter Kyla, Dani and my other daughter Ashley. My newest granddaughter was in the stroller next to me.

Sorry for the Absence...

2010-03-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry I've been absence for a little bit. Not only with the birth of my third granddaughter, but issues with Danielle (what else is new) and a major flare up with my fibromyalgia. It hurts to type and believe it or not my day job is nothing but typing. I am seeing a pain management doctor and we are trying different meds and right now I am so tired and sleepy that it is hard for me to function. Last week, I came home from work, walked into the house, sat down next to my wonderful husband and instantly fell asleep. How romantic is that? So our rolls in my house change. If I am not taking care of Dani...she is taking care of me and making sure I get my meds, rest and food. She is a great care-taker. I don't like it, I don't want her in that roll but it is appreciated. So forgive me if it is a few days, a week or so between my posts. I am still hear, I still care and I love you all!

Aunt Danielle!

2010-03-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday...Sunday...at 4:40pm, my oldest daughter gave birth to her third daughter. She weighed 8lbs 7oz, 21 inches long. Her name is Kamryn Aubrie and Aunt Dani is in love with this new little spirit. You can see it in her face!

My Angel!

2010-02-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

This is my Dani. I am so proud of her. She is taking a choir class at school and tonight she had to perform a solo for a grade. She had to memorize the whole song, dress professionally and she did a marvelous job. She had so much confidence, even though she couldn't hit some of the notes, she didn't faulter at all. Then on top of that she has this new hair do...I just think she is gorgeous but then I think I am biased. I look at her and ask myself "is this the face of FASD"? And I have to say "no"! It's what is in side her brain that makes up the FASD. 3/4 of the time we don't recognize a child with FASD, they look as normal and healthy as the next child. But when we step back and watch...the signs and symptoms are all there. But we as parents, regardless of the hard times, the lying, stealing, loss of memory, learning disabilities, our own child's quirks, we still love them. They are ours, and they are all angels! God love them!

Resources, Education, Stress...Oh My!

2010-02-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned before that I co-teach a wonderful class for parents and/or teachers with kids with mental illness/disabilities, etc. And I was at this class tonight and we were talking about thought and mood disorders, going through the list of schzophrenia, ADHD, eating disorders, etc and the thought hit me like a ton of bricks, we should also be talking about FASD. It is as real as any other disorder but there isn't much awareness. I am going to contact our program director and bring this up to her. Where else can parents go now a days to learn more about FASD? There are times I am at a total loss for information and I crave it like a Pepsi over chipped ice (which is a lot of times)! I love the state I live in, Utah, but Utah is not really a user-friendly state when it comes to FASD. There is more research going on here for Autism/Aspergers and others but not FASD. How do I get that awareness out there? Where do I begin? I guess baby steps, one step at a time because everything I do will affect the future of my daughter...

Encouragement from a Sister...

2010-02-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

I sat down tonight, after a long hard day at work, and started going through my pictures on my computer...to update my ipod and came across this picture. This was taken back in 2002, just when my husband and I got married and I had my daughters living with us. In this picture it is a young Danielle and her sister Ashley. Now Ashley is my second daughter who lives in California now (bummer). But it seems that out of all my daughters (and this doesn't make my other two daughters any less helping hands with Dani) Ashley knows how to communicate with Dani and she understands her. When Ashley was a little girl, she was the one daughter who carried around with her bags of her toys, dolls, clothes, etc saying she was going to be a mommy when she grew up. As she grew she discovered she has a natural touch with kids. Which I believe has helped her along the way to understand Dani. There are so many times that I have been frustrated and I would call Ashley and she would get on the phone with Dani and get inside her head, which I couldn't, and Ashley would be the one to interpret for me. But this picture is just one of the many times that she would take time out to help out Dani.

Age vs. Maturity...

2010-02-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every teens life when the hormones are raging and the age old question of "who am I' beats a rythum through their heads. But one thing I've noticed about a teen with FASD is their bodies say one age while their minds/brains says another age. For my Dani...her body says she is 15 but her mind and maturity is 10-11 years of age. Now being a teen ...that is really hard, especially when it comes to peer pressure at school. At the beginning of school I gave her a small amount of make up, just enough to make her feel good about herself without looking too made up. The rules were she would leave her makeup at home. She broke that rule a lot of times by taking her makeup to school, so she lost that priviledge. So now she uses others at school, she is so hard up for nail polish and eye liner that she uses a permanent marker. Tonight she went to a church function and when she came home she walked in fast past me straight to the bathroom. Tip number one ...she did something that mom wouldn't approve of. I just have to scratch my head and try to figure where her thinking is...but I guess a child with a brain injury...doesn't really know. Life's greatest mystery!

To Catch a Thief!

2010-02-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of a better title for this blog. Here is the story...this morning I got up and got ready for work like I usually do every morning. I got my wallet out of my purse and noticed it felt pretty light. Just over the weekend I know I had a lot of change and my wallet was pretty heavy. I knew right then that Dani had been in my wallet. I went into her room, closed her door because her dad was in the livingroom and he would have exploded if he knew why I was in there. I woke her up and then I noticed she had one of my rings on her left hand. A very good ring of mine no less. I lost it...I saw red, I didn't lose it as if I was flinging things around or hitting, but I lost it emotionally, I went numb. She had taken close to $30 from me. Sometime yesterday (Sunday) she got into our bedroom, got into my purse and jewelery and also got into her make-up that I had taken away from her awhile ago. Then when we confronted her on what she did, she got defensive in our faces, yelling at us while my husband is telling her to calm down. Dani was so beligerant that I told her I had to go to work and that she wasn't going to her choir concert tomorrow night. She yelled at me saying "your not going to work, your just going to have to call in and I am going to that concert". It was like a demon had possessed her. I spent my whole day at work in a daze. I couldn't believe it and I sat at my desk with a constant prayer to my Father in Heaven about what to do! How do I discipline a 15 year girl with FASD? What road do I take that she will understand what she did was totally unacceptable? She is humble and repentant for just a short time then those behaviors happen all over again. I am still at a loss...does anyone have any suggestions?

Does this look familiar?

2010-02-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

This was taken this morning before I left for work. This is Danielle's room. It was clean yesterday. One of her major chorse to do after school is to clean up her room. It was done, I saw it with my very own eyes, and this morning at 7am it was back to this. Does anyone else experience this? If you do, how do you handle it?

Computer Problems...

2010-02-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am here at work, typing this post so that no one thinks that I have fallen off the edge of the earth, even though at times it feels like it. My computer has had some medical problems and is being taken care of by a wonderful ID guy. Looks like she will have a full recovery and in better shape than what she was in. So, please bear with me for a little while longer. I have some updates to share but have to get my thoughts in order because my brain is pretty frazzled right now.

Stay tuned...

Officer Mom!

2010-01-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my recliner this evening, reading my blogs and Dani gets a phone call on her cell and I can hear the conversation because it's so loud. Some girl and guy is asking my daughter about "straight shots". I kept asking her who was it, Dani was getting flustered because she couldn't answer the question or she was embarrased to answer or she actually knew what the answer was but was afraid to answer in front of me. So I took the phone and asked who it was and it was one of her friends from school and her brother. They wanted to know what a "straight shot" was and they thought Dani knew. I told them that Dani has no reason to know what that is and I would appreciate them calling and asking these questions. If they have those kinds of questions ask their parents, not my daughter. After that conversation, my daughter felt more relaxed. Peer pressure is harder and harder for these kids, unlike it was when I was in school....so many decades ago. We all need to be 'Office Mom" every once in a while for these kids...

A Marvelous Update...

2010-01-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

As an update from my blog post before this, in regards to the missing hair straightner...well, this morning she came out of her room and asked me "Mom, are you sure you don't know what happened to my straightner?". The first thing out of my mouth was a rapid "No"! The look on her face was enough to make a grown woman cry because the look was of...confusion. So, I told her "Honey, I have it, I've always had it. Now you know what it feels like when I have things missing and I can't find them and I know that you have it but you lie about it. I did the same thing honey, I took something and lied about it. Do you understand a little?" At first I thought I was going to have a fight on my hands because the look on her face was one of rebellion, but within seconds it changed to remorse. Actual remorse. I think somewhere in there it struck a chord. She may not remember the moment or the feeling tomorrow or the next day, and it may be a part that we keep playing in a repeating role, and that's okay, but I will remember that teaching moment for along time.

Lesson Learned...But For Who?

2010-01-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

There was a post a few days ago, on my blog, that I was voicing my frustration with my daughter taking my personal things. Well, last night before I went to bed, I went into her room, while she was sleeping and took her favorite necklace, and her nail polish and put them in my room. Then this morning, as she was in the kitchen, I put her hair straightner in a towel and took it to my bedroom. She didn't see me or suspect anything. I was thinking I had the answer to teaching her a great and important lesson. As I locked my bedroom door and bid my good-byes to her so I could get on the way to work, I was snickering to myself as I thought of my great and devious plan. About 15 minutes after I left, I got a phone call from her asking if I had seen her necklace and her hair straightner. In the most pleasant and honest voice I could muster (without laughing of course) I told her "No honey...I don't go into your room". There was some frustration in her voice and I thought "Ah, Hah, she is finally going to understand how I feel". I went through my work day as usual and as I was on my way home I was preparing myself for a very frustrated young lady to gang up on me as I walked through the door. BOY WAS I WRONG! Not a word, no frustration no nothing. The night went on as usual. So...who has egg on her face now? Me...just shows me how the brain really works for a child with FASD. Lesson learned for me...

Question to the Universe...

2010-01-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

Here is a question for anyone to answer because I certainly don't know. I am very tolerant with a lot of the behaviors of FASD but it doesn't mean I don't get extremely FRUSTRATED! So here is the question...Why is it that a child/teen feels that any mom's property, things are hers? I have to put almost everything of mine into my room, behind locked doors. This morning I found my camera missing and yes, just as I thought, it was in her room. Of course she can't give any reasoning why she does it but none the less, it's frustrating. So, if anyone out there is going through this and has some suggestions, reasoning, please help me to understand.

Scarey Thoughts!

2010-01-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

I know the past few blog entries have been about how great things are, how she is progressing, etc. But here are some realities I need to face...she is 15 years old right now. I have three years before she becomes 18, where her medical care, legally, is out of my hands. Then there is the question about a job, will she be able to sustain her own life, what about SSI (which right now I was told she doesn't qualify because of what my husband and I make). I know there are other programs out there that I need to apply for now, start the ball rolling because these next three years are going to go by fast. Then there is the question about driving. Her doctor says now because of her poor judgement/reactions/etc, she is okay with this. In fact she says she is glad she isn't going to drive, she won't have to worry about a huge car payment or an insurance payment. Then how about living alone? My husband and I have thought long and hard about this one. We want to have a home to where there is a mother-in-law apartment in the basement, that way she can feel independent but still be close to home. I don't know...so you see, there is so much to think about even after the child comes home from the hospital. And the list of concerns, worries and questions continue to grow. So, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I am all ears!

Wii...That's Fun!

2010-01-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, when Danielle was in the State Hospital, she went through extensive testings, neurological, school testings, etc. What they found out was she has visual spatial disorder. She doesn't see things like I do or anyone else. Her counselor at that time suggested a Wii because of the depth perception the games offer. This would help with her balance and believe it or not, her concentration. So I bought the new Mario Brothers to go with the Wii and I am amazed at her coordination, her concentration, her focus when play. It's like she is in a different world and being a different person. But...just because we have this in our home now, doesn't give her free reign to constantly play. This is a privledge and she has to earn it by doing her chores, keeping up her room and not fighting with me. I will keep you posted on how that goes...time will tell!

It's The End of the World As We Know It...

2010-01-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered when the world comes to an end for a teenager? Not just any teenager but a teenager who battles her own demons of self-esteem, peer pressures, trying to find her own place in this world. I discovered it tonight! Take her make-up away!!! I caughter her in a HUGE lie this evening and she lost some major privledges and you would have thought I had physically hit her. We were at my daughters house and I told her we were leaving and she said "I'm not going anywhere with you". "Fine" I said, "walk home". She took off. I gave her a few minutes to calm down, got in my car, found her and told her to get in the car. When we got home we had a confrontation...long story short, she told me "go to hell". Lesson one...don't take it personally...lesson two...don't loose my cool...lesson three..."say goodnight Dani before I say something I will regret". Okay, I made it through this one, no worse for wear but all will be okay with the world tomorrow...I hope!

Put a Fork In Me...I'm Done!

2010-01-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

There are so many days, weeks, months that events happen, over and over, like a wave that keeps pounding our bodies while we are screaming for air. And it comes in cycles, but we never know when the cycle begins and when it will end. One day she is the best kid in town, can't do anything wrong, has gone the extra mile in her chores...like a halo is hanging over her head. Okay, that's sitting in the lagoon enjoying the soft waves and sunshine. Then, without warning, we go from an angel to satan himself. I can actually say I am worn out, emotionally, physically and spiritually! The ups and downs can take it's toll after awhile. I don't know what is worse, the lying or stealing. I am not saying she is down out stealing from others or stores because she isn't. But she steals from me. Not anyone else but me! Can't figure that one out. Just when I think I have it all together, it all unravels. I am so thankful for a husband who lets me unwind with him when he is home. That I can voice my frustrations, anger, shed a few tears and he even lets me sleep in...that feels good. Right now we are in the storm, now I have to patient for the sun to come out.

Oh Mom! It's too Early!

2010-01-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

This morning was the first Sunday of the year that our church times switched to 9am. Which means we have to get up between 6-7am. Normally the rule is if we have to get up early we got to bed earlier the night before, Dani needs about 12 hours, literally! Well, we decided to go see "Avatar" (for the second time) with our next door neighbors last night, got home about 10pm, got to bed. When the alarm went off, I was up but Dani...Oh No! She wouldn't budge, wouldn't even flinch when I tore off her blankets, pulled on her pants, etc. I had to threaten to take away her radio, tv and MP3 player...for two months, to get her out of bed. But she did, she was a little slow but success, she got up and we made it to church on time!

Update to "Baby It's Cold Outside"

2009-12-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I knew that the so called emergency with our pipes freezing was kind of an impossibility and it's quite comical. When I got home, I immediately walked into the kitchen with Danielle, turned on the faucet and within less than 5 minutes the hot water came on. I had to explain to her that right now it may take a little more time to warm up. But I think it was her way of trying to get out of doing the dishes...and there lots of dishes. But she got it all done today and she did an excellent job!

Moral of the story? There isn't one, just teach with patience and a little laughter! :)

Baby It's Cold Outside...And Inside!

2009-12-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have found it pretty interesting when my daughter is home, by herself during some kind of school vacation. Of course this week finds our out due to Christmas and New Year's. But I have noticed with a child/teen with FASD, that little matters turn into extreme volcanic eruptions and the situation has to be resolved NOW! But since I am at work down in Salt Lake and she is 40 miles north of where I am...getting it down NOW is an impossibility! She calls me all frantic saying that there is no hot or warm water coming from our facets...anywhere in the house! She has tried getting a hold of our landlord and he's not home, in fact she has walked over there a few times. I told her that the pipes are probably frozen and things will be fine. But from her stand point, things aren't and won't be fine until the problem is resolved. So I have reassured her that I will get it taken care of when I get home. I just feel real bad when she gets that anxious and I'm not home...

And The Beat Goes On...

2009-12-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

We've made it through the Christmas holidays in one piece? Normally, and it did show this year, all the stress, activity, large family gatherings sets Danielle off. She can't handle too much stimulis but for some unforseen reason, this year she did great. There were a few episodes to where we were with family members and she had to talk louder and at the same time, this has been one of her coping mechanisms, that's when mom and/or dad, whoever she is with, kind of gently pulls her close and lets her know she is okay. Christmas is always a fun time because of the little child she is within. She may be a 15 year old but her mentality is around 10 years of age. She still has the child-like innocence about her. I made the mistake of giving her free reign of my glue gun. She made everyone's gifts this year. I will take a picture of mine when I get home and post it. At least I know from family members that her gifts are always appreciated. This year all she really wanted was music, music, music and then maybe a DVD. Her room is always filled with some kind of sound coming out, but of course I have my rules of what is allowed and what isn't. She is pretty respectful in that area. Now I have to contend with the make-up issues. I am blessed to have a Mary-Kay lady as my oldest daughter and she has sat down many times with Danielle about how to apply and color coordinate. But Dani likes to take her tips from girls at school and she comes home with this heavy eye liner on. OMGosh! How do you get it through to an FASD teen that this is not right? Persistence I think is the answer and lots of eye make-up remover. But that is what I mean...and the beat goes on!

A 15 Year Old's Birthday...

2009-12-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today is my Danielle's 15th Birthday. Where has the time gone? We have been through so much in her 15 years...but it has all been worth it. To see where she is today. Just a couple of weeks ago she started full time at her junior high. No more transitional school. She is only in two main stream classes, science and choir. But her science teacher happens to be her resource reading teacher. In choir are a lot of her friends. She is so excited because on the 17th of December is her first choir performance. First time ever performing with a group. I am excited for her. She is on the honor roll, and her new progress report just came home a couple of days ago and so far A's. Right now, things are going good, but there are always going to be hick-ups and bumps, it's just the nature of the beast. The beast being FASD. Some days the beast is easily slain, some days it takes longer and I find I have to have a special plan.

But for now I will just tuck that plan in my pocket and enjoy each moment that comes. She's 15 and that won't last too long.

Thanksgiving...What I am Thankful For!

2009-11-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

This holiday season finds me checking my list of what I am really thankful for. First and foremost is having a physically healthy daughter...Danielle. We may have challenges and disabilities, but she is healthy. Then the love I have for my husband and the love he has for us and how hard he works for his family. Then my extended family, my daughters, their husbands, one of my daughter's fiance and my granddaughters. Then most of all is the love I have for my Savior and my big brother Jesus Christ and for His atoning sacrafice for me. I know that He and my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally. I know He doesn't give me any challenges I can't handle.

Part of our Thanksgiving tradition is to put up our Christmas tree and decorate it. Along with having a simple dinner Thanksgiving night. But this year was a little different. First my wonderful husband bought me a new tree, one that already has the lights on it. Our last tree was too difficult for me to put together and decorate. But the tree went up and Danielle and I decorated it. Then family came over for a wonderful Turkey dinner. Brenna, Jason and my granddaughters came over and we played games. A wonderful time. Looking forward to the Christmas season.

Bully's. No place In My Life For Them!

2009-11-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have to wonder why parents raise children who prey upon the weak or mentally ill or disabled. My daughter is my hero! For a teen with several things going against her, she has choosen to live her life by certain standards. For instance, no smoking, no tattoos, no piercings, no "R" rated movies, good uplifting music, surrounds herself with uplifting friends, no swearing, this young lady has a love and testimony for our Lord. Now, there is a girl at her school who herself suffers from mental illness, and who at one time was Danielle's friend, who decided to go down a different road. Because of the choices that Dani has chosen she told this friend that she didn't want to be friends anymore. Now this young lady taunts Dani and bully's her to no end. I have gone to the school, I have emailed her teachers, at both schools and vice principle with no action as of yet. I am keeping her home from school tomorrow because this other young lady yelled in my daughters face today that Dani was a "b---- and a whore along with being a black idiot". Sorry but that is where I draw the line. This taunting is making Danielle physically sick. So, if I don't hear from the school tomorrow, I will go to the school district. Again...why do parents raise children who prey upon the weak and disabled? But I cheer for my daughter, she is my hero!

Parent/Teacher Conference

2009-11-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had parent/teacher conference with Danielle's teachers and the transition school. Her teachers say she is doing great, but she has this impulse to just constantly talk. Something that a lot of the kids in her class love to do. So that is one of the goals they are working on with her. Then come January they are going to flip/flop her classes. Go to junior high in the morning then the other school in the afternoon. We will see if she can wake up that early for class work, so far it's been at 9:30 for class time, now it will be 8am. Another transition. But in the long run they are getting her ready for high school next year.

I don't know if I have any right in saying this but I have to put words to my feelings. In one of my earlier posts I mentioned I went to a FASD seminar. I sat towards the front and during this class, I was amazed at how many parents were struggling so much with their own situations that I actually felt, for the first time in a long time, how blessed I am to have already been down that road, that things are improving for the quality of life for my daughter. But don't get me wrong, I know that there are many bumpy roads to travel but at this point in time...I can take a deep breath and exhale. At least for right now.

Bragging Rights!!!!

2009-11-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Danielle called me while I was driving home from work, all excited because she got her report card. She read it off to me so excited I had to wait until I got home to take a good look at it. Here it is: B, A, B, B+, A, A+...Honor Role Student! I am so proud of her! This was made possible because of a mom and dad fighting for what is right for her in her IEP meetings. She is graded only on the work she does in class, she doesn't bring homework home because she would have meltdown after meltdown and that wasn't good for her or our family. Dani is doing so good. I had to brag for a minute! We do have our moments but overall it's better than it was a little over a year ago.

FASD and Humor...We all Need It!

2009-11-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

I went to a FASD seminar tonight that was hosted by the Utah Fetal Alcohol Coalition. The speaker was from the SAMHSA FASD CEnter for Excellence out of Maryland. So much information and knowledge about these kids that I came home with a different outlook on my daughter. One of the things he said was to remember something funny about your child. The last funny thing I remember happened just last week, on our way home from a doctors appointment. During her appointment she was telling her doctor that she has many spurts of energy and she doesn't know what to do with it when it happens. So on the way home she kept talking and talking and talking. Never stopping. I stopped her and asked her if her excessive talking was like one of those energey bursts she talks about with her doctor. She stopped and looked at me sideways and said "No mom, it just comes naturally!". She was so serious and proud of her proclamation that I laughed. She started laughing with me, I don't think she understood why I was laughing but it was a precious moment.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T21:52:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite time of the year. From this day forward because the leaves and changing colors, the air is crisp and it's the one night a year that my daughter gets real creative with her costume. And yes, she does design what she is going as. It's as much fun going shopping with her then watching her put it all together. Some stuff she finds around the house, has saved over the years but she is very creative. This year she chose being "Cleopatra". One more thing I have to brag about is a goal she has just met. She has always wanted her hair straight but because of my hands hurting all the time I couldn't work the iron very well. Last week she accomplished her first goal to independence...she straightened her own hair. And she did a great job too. Here is a picture of us tonight! Enjoy...being FAS and having other disabilities doesn't stop these kids from accomplishing what they want to do...you go girl!

Exhausted...

2009-10-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

This time I am turning to you the reader for advice. I would like to hear what you do for relaxation, what do you do to put balance into your life as the parent of a special child? What is your dream for you?

I have dreams of going back to school someday, I have desires to be a nurse. I want to go on a trip (short) without having to worry about my daughter or be interrupted by lots of phone calls. There are so many days and nights I wish I could just check into a hotel and sleep, sleep, sleep. Of course have room service, but more sleep.

So...what is on your mind?

One Word..."GPS"

2009-10-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

I just discovered the neatest toy or should I say invention? I have been having some trust issues with my daughter about her being where she is suppose to be. Usually it's not where she is suppose to be or where she has told mom or dad. I struggled for along time of what to do. I looked into baby monitors but the mile radius is not far and I needed something since I work abougt 40 miles away from home. Then I asked my employer about me hooking up Skype so that at least I can see and hear her check in with me when she gets home. They said no. Then I talked with one of her teachers and she recommended GPS. I thought, well I have to buy a gadget and she said "No, it's built into your phone". So I called AT&T and low and behold, she was right. All they had to do was flip a switch in all of our phones, go on AT&T Family Map, sign up our phone numbers and I can track her phone anytime. Wow! The best thing since sliced bread. I even put it to the test today. She called me after school saying she was going to be late because she had to go to the bathroom. I immediately went on FamilyMap and found she was going the opposite direction of our home, the other side of school. Boy did I feel empowered and I still do. I confronted her on it when I got home and of course...she denied it, but I have technology on my side. I even showed her the map that I printed out and she still denied it. I know that the denying part is all part of the FASD, it's not her reality but at least I have some kind of comfort of mind to know where she is and that I have the ability to talk to her on the phone whenever I can. I will keep these maps that I print out and someday it will come to a head, I know that, but at least I will be ready. I was sitting here before typing this blog entry, thinking of the sweet little girl she use to be when she was small, before all the FASD affects started to rear it's ugly head and I started to get really MAD at her birth mom for doing all those things while she was pregnant with this sweet spirit. The one person who was suppose to protect this child...didn't. I became real sad but then within a brief moment, real glad I have her instead of where she could be today.

Mom's Stress Relief...Nintendo!

2009-10-12T19:47:00.000-06:00

I just discovered a new stress relief for me. I bought a Nintendo DS for Dani about a year ago so that Dani had something to do while she was traveling around the country with her dad (long haul trucker) and she didn't play with it much. Well, it came out of the drawer yesterday, went and bought a new game...a game I wanted for me and now I sit and play with it, with my headphones on and zone out. Of course after my daughter is in bed and it's my time to relax...ah, sweet relief.

What things do you do to relieve stress? I am looking for new ideas, please feel free to share. And when was the last time you did something just for you?

Crisis Plan...Do you Have One?

2009-10-07T21:43:00.000-06:00

As parents, we feel many of the things about our child's mental illness are out of our control. We are scared of the "worse case" stories about mental illness. We struggle with the reality of our day-to-day life and wonder about the future. We learn about the high rate of suicide attempts or suixide and feel over/whelmed with the fear we cannot protect our child from these dangers. But, by making an effective crisis plan, we can have the tools we need to help our children in times of crisis. Crisis happens in everyone's life, and no crisis plan ever written can keep a crisis from happening. An important tool to help us deal with what may come is clear, well thought out crisis plan.
1) Effective crisis plans anticipate crisis based on knowledge about the past. The best predictor of future behavcior is past behavior.
2) Great crisis plans assume the "worst case" scenario and plan accordingly.
3) Effectivce plans incorporate individual and family outcomes as benchmarks or measures of when the crisis is over.
4) Always build plans that "triage" for different levels of intensity, and severity of crisis events.
5) Build a crisis plan for 24-hr response. Crisis seldom occurs when it is convenient.